Beetlejuice (Male Lydia x Maddie)

Chapter 1

BEETLEJUICE: Wow! Those people just died, and you guys are clapping! I love it! You're getting really comfy with the whole being dead thing! Now, here's the plan; I can't make the living say my name, but with a little help from me, those newlydeads can. Then, the B-mans and M-girl free and the mai tais are on me. But first, I gotta toss the rule book. And speaking of, right on time! The rule book...I present: The Handbook for The Recently Deceased. "Chapter 1: The Netherworld. All ghosts shall proceed directly to the Netherworld." No. Not gonna do that. I gotta keep these two lovebirds here, with me so they can haunt their house... Ahh! Uh, hey! We got any kids in the audience? Ah! Second row, right there! Hi, boys! Puppet show!! "Mr. Beebleboose and Ms. Addie!" Yes book? "Where do books go when they die?" Well, I don't know, book. Let's find out! "AGHHHHHH! TELL MY STORYY!" (a beat.) Sometimes puppet shows are sad.

ADAM: Barbara? Are you alright?

MADDIE: Oh crap!

ADAM: Holy smokes! That was some fall!

BARBARA: I guess the floor gave out.

ADAM: I didn't think it was that weak! Are you alright?

BARBARA: I think so! Oo! You are like ice!

ADAM: You're freezing!

BARBARA: I'll make a... (a beat.) I don't remember making a fire.

ADAM: I gotta say hun, we're lucky. A fall from that height? It could've been bad!

BARBARA: That's so strange, It's not hot.

ADAM: My whole life flashed before my eyes! Started asking myself the big questions like... why are our bodies still in the basement?

BARBARA: What'd you say?

(ADAM and BARBARA scream as BARBARA's hand is on fire.)

ADAM: What's happening to us?

BARBARA: Dear, I don't think we survived that fall.

ADAM: What? You mean... oh god.

BARBARA: I know. I know, there's still so much I wanted to do.

ADAM: I know, I know, me too. But hey. We're still together. We're still in our house, all our stuff is here! Let's say we are dead... that's bad, obviously, but hey, maybe! Maybe nothing has to change.

BEETLEJUICE: Hi! (a beat.) Do not be afraid. You are dead. I am also dead. Maybe, we can help each other! Hi there.

(ADAM and BARBARA scream.)

MADDIE: Okay, plan B! I'm gonna need some help! Ready? Okay! (sung) Hi! I'll be your guide, I'll be your G-U-I-D-E to the other side. Don't go to the Netherworld—

ADAM, spoken: Netherworld?

BETELGEUSE: Did I say Netherworld? Never mind. I'm the B-to-the-double-E-J-F-Q and Jesus, I can't spell.

MINIONS: Hi! They'll be your guides, they'll be your G-U-I-D-E-S to the other side.

MADDIE: Let's all get naked!

ADAM AND BARBARA: No!

BETELGEUSE: Eh, worth a try. I'm the B-to-the-double-E-T-L-E to the J-U-I-C-E and she's the M-A-D-D-I-E. Yeah!

BARBARA, spoken: What is happening?

MADDIE, spoken: I understand that it's a lot to process. (sung) But the good news is you and your spouse, died in your own house, that gives you clout. That means the two of you should stick around. Lucky for you I dropped by. Yeah, you seem like nice guys. A little on the Pottery Barn and dry white wine side. As for me, I've been scaring for millennia. I'm the bio-exorcist giving houses enemas. Flush out all the breathers, you can breathe easier. Stick with me, I'm like a ghost-zombie Jesus.