Beetlejuice (Male Lydia x Maddie)

Chapter 8

BETELGEUSE: Hey guys, awesome seance, lots of good old-fashioned chaos, you lose — in your faces! 'Cause look who's holding all the aces.

ADAM: (spoken) You did this!

MADDIE: (spoken) No. he did. We could've been such a great team, but you wanted your mommy, so this is what you get!

LEVI: (spoken) You lied to me!

BETELGEUSE: (spoken) Sorry, kid! Classic bait-and-switch: the oldest trick in the book.

LEVI: (spoken) What do you want?

MADDIE: (spoken) I'm tired of being alone and life is the only way out! So if you want to save Barbara, then I need you...to marry me.

ADAM & CHARLES: (spoken) What?!

BETELGEUSE: (spoken) It's a green-card thing!

CHARLES: (spoken) You're insane! He's not marrying you.

(BARBARA screams)

ADAM: (spoken) Somebody do something!

MADDIE: Hey, it's great that you ate up my plan, the pooch has been screwed and shit's hit the fan! You wanted me gone-

LEVI: (spoken) I don't have a choice

BETELGEUSE: You wanted your mom-

LEVI: (spoken) It's my fault she's dying!

MADDIE: You messed with the wrong book — now look what you've done!

(BARBARA screams)

LEVI: (spoken) Okay! I'll do it, I'll marry you!

BETELGEUSE: There's gonna be a-good old-fashioned wedding, with some dancing and un-deading, with a cover-band is cranking and the age gap will be upsetting, when my daughter finally says "I do" I'll be alive and born anew and I'll be boring just like you, oh boy, I'm on my way! It's finally time for you two to go to the Netherworld! See ya suckers!

LEVI: Netherworld? Wait!

MADDIE: Yes dear?

LEVI: You have to let me say goodbye.

BEETLEJUICE: Well make it snappy, I WANT CAKE! Being dead sucks, rent me a tux. I wanna look like a million bucks. Maddie's getting married-

LEVI, spoken: Hey Beetlejuice and Maddie, I'm going to the Netherworld!

MADDIE, spoken: What?

LEVI, spoken: Classic bait and switch! Oldest trick in the book!

CHARLES, spoken: Levi! No!

ADAM: NO! NO! NO!

BETELGEUSE, spoken: No, no, no! Why does everyone keep leaving me? Okay, new plan: you're all gonna die. (sung) Today!

(everyone runs from them.)

MADDIE: Oh, not so fast Mr. Soulbox. We're going to play a little game!

CHARLES: LEVI!

LEVI: Dad?

CHARLES: Are you alright?

LEVI: You followed me?

CHARLES: What is this place?

MISS ARGENTINA: THIS IS THE NETHERWORLD! Welcome! I am the once and forever, Miss Argentina! I died with this sash. They can never take it away! Prrokie! Now, let's get you processed. Where's your handbook? Oh you don't have a handbook? Why don't you have a handbook? Are you trying to skip the line?

LEVI: Line for what?

MISS ARGENTINA: DID YOU EVEN READ THE HANDBOOK? What else do you have to do, Mami? You are dead?

LEVI: Actually, we're alive.

MISS ARGENTINA: But that's impossible, you... you are a living boy. In the world of the dead?

CHARLES: And his father.

MISS ARGENTINA: Oh, but you have to go back now. Before Juno sees you.

CHARLES: Juno?

LEVI: I'm not going back! I'm here to find my-

MISS ARGENTINA: Boy! Everyone here would go back if they could! I wish I was still alive. I was hot, I went to parties a lot. (spoken) Y'know? (sung) I was driving Lamborghinis, sipping super-dry martinis in the tiniest bikinis on a yacht. But I was depressed, oh so completely obsessed. An unhappy beauty queen, who dreamed to be Miss Argentina. I had such low self-esteem, I was a mess. So I gave it all up for the netherworld, I've been here forever, boy, if I was more clever, boy I would've stuck it out knowing what life's about. Pain and joy and suffering, failing but recovering, I'll tell you another thing. Everyone here is alone, so if you are breathing go home! If I knew then what I know now, I would have looked within and let love win somehow. If I only knew, the truth back then. I wouldn't have had my little "accident" Ooh! New arrivals! They're still alive! Don't be blind, you left your whole life behind. See a shrink, call a priest, ask the recently deceased, death is final and you cannot press rewind.

SKYDIVER: Don't jump when the light is red.

WOMAN IN TOWEL: Toasters should be used for bread.

MAN IN SUIT: Never smoke cigars in bed.

FOOTBALL PLAYER: Nietzsche was right, y'know, to live is to suffer, bro.

MAN IN TUX: Don't cheat on the one you wed.

JOCKEY: Never whip a thoroughbred.

ENSEMBLE: Angry pygmies shrunk his head. Why did it take death to see, happiness was up to me?

ALL: If I knew then what I know now, I would've laughed and danced and lanced every sacred cow. I thought I knew, but I was wrong 'cause life is short, but death is super long.

MAN WITH FIREWORKS: I exploded!

[INSTRUMENTAL]

MISS ARGENTINA (ENSEMBLE): If I knew then (If I knew) What I know now.

ALL: I would've crossed every line and drank all the wine, before my final bow.

MISS ARGENTINA (ENSEMBLE): If I knew (If I knew).

ALL: The things that now I know, I would ride the highs and cherish the lows knowing it's a quick trip 'round the rodeo.

MISS ARGENTINA: So before they lower the curtain, be certain to enjoy the show that's what I know!

ENSEMBLE: Life is short but death is long. Here, one minute then it's gone, thought I knew but I was wrong, if I only knew what I know now!

JUNO: Report to processing! All recently deceased individuals, form a line!

CHARLES: This doesn't seem good!

JUNO: My name is Juno! (Smokes.) it is my job to help transfer you out of the overwhelming emotional life, and into the blissful numbness and soothing solitude that awaits you in the infinite abyss of nothingness that is the Netherworld. Also, no liquids! Drink it, or throw it out!

LEVI: My mom's dead. Is she in there.

JUNO: Anyone whose ever died is in there. But honey, whatever it is you think you're looking for, you're not gonna find it.

LEVI: I've come this far. I have to try.

CHARLES: LEVI, NO!

JUNO: YOU! You're still breathing aren't you? Well, we can take care of that. New meat! Take care of them.

LEVI: Dad! Draw a door, go home! I'm going to find mom!

CHARLES: Levi! No, wait!

JUNO: We've got a runner!

(chase ensues.)

LEVI: Mom?! (more chase.) Where are you? Mom! (more chase.) Mom? Mom!! What am I doing?