Beetlejuice (Male Lydia x Maddie)

Chapter 3

BEETLEJUICE: Well... BYE!

BARBARA: Wait, what? You said you would help us!

MADDIE: I wanted to help you guys, it's literally all I wanted, but the two of you are helpless. Here's help, here's you. It's less.

BARBARA: Well, what'd you expect? We're not like you!

BEETLEJUICE: I KNOW THAT BARBARA! No one is like me! That's the problem! (to audience.) I'm sorry everybody. I know that my name's on the marquee, but you're going to have to watch a new show. The Maitlands: More Boring Than Brigadoon... That's right, I said it. Fuck Brigadoon.

ADAM: You're just leaving?

MADDIE: YES ADAM! YES! This is not working out. So, goodbye. Sayonara. Don't, DON'T text me in the middle of the night saying "U up?" because guess what? New phone, who dis? See you in hell, AGH, I'm gone... I'm gonna use the door. (a beat.) Hey guys?

ADAM: Yeah?

BEETLEJUICE: Fuck you guys.

ADAM: That guy and gal! They need therapy! I hope there's a dead therapist somewhere that can give them the help they need.

BARBARA: So, now what? We can't just stay in the attic!

ADAM: What other choice do we have? There are people downstairs. Strangers. I didn't like strangers when I was alive. Barbara! Those are the guest sheets!

BARBARA, spoken: That needy pervert was right. If we want our house back, we have to fight for it!

ADAM, spoken: Well, how? No one can see us!

BARBARA, spoken: We're ghosts, damn it! Let's... haunt this bitch!

ADAM, spoken: Barbara!

BARBARA: Oblivion calls. So we might as well walk through some walls, I'm sure we can haunt our own halls 'cause Adam, we're ready as we'll ever get.

ADAM: If we wanna win back our home, I gotta get right outside my comfort zone.

BARBARA: We'll rattle chains and I don't know! Just wail and moan until they go, are you willing to take the next step?

ADAM: Yes! Ready, set—

BARBARA: Ready, set—

BOTH: Ready, set, let's—

(ADAM and BARBARA make "ghost" noises.)

LEVI: Hey Delia! (snaps photo.) This is gonna be great. I think I really captured your essence.

DELIA: Levi, you cannot just sneak up on people and take their essence. And also, I don't model anymore. Unless I am paid upfront in cash, and learned that the hard way.

LEVI: I just want something to remember you bye, when you're gone.

DELIA: What are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere!

LEVI: I had a vision.

DELIA: Oh! That's great! I had a vision once. I was in a sweat lodge. Well actually it was just this really hot apartment in Queens, where the doors locked from the outside.

LEVI: In my vision, my dad and I are back in our old house in New York. Everything was the way it used to be. And you don't exist.

DELIA: Levi, I know that I am paid to care about you, but I'd like us to be real friends! So, I have an idea. Why don't you and I clear out all that old junk in the attic, and build you a dark room!

LEVI: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.

DELIA: And that is depressing. You know, my guru Otho says "Depression is like an ugly sweater. It's okay at Christmas, but the rest of the year, you gotta put it away!" Which reminds me, I got you a new dress for your father's business dinner! AHHH! It says, I'm warm, I'm friendly, and I think about death only a normal amount!

LEVI: I prefer black.

DELIA: Black reminds me of a funeral! And this, this is a business dinner!

LEVI: It could be both. A toast to my father and his all important business! Also, one of your wine glasses is poison!

DELIA: (aggressive.) LEVI YOU GIVE ME THAT! (softly.) Smash. (a beat.) Levi, right now you are redirecting anger and deflecting pain and other terms I learned in my training. The universe is more than just space with no end, la-la-la-la-la! Just think of the universe as a female best friend and you can be like, "Hey, Universe, what's happenin', girl?" And she'll be like, "Oh, nothin'... just running the world." And you'll be like, "What?" And the universe will be like "I know!"You're on the right track, girl, I got your back, girl, I'm helping you grow" Think positive, act positive, you are a child of the Earth! (spoken) Life-coaching! Nailing it! (sung) Time to take command, you dictate the hand, the universe deals, Look! Science makes no sense, who needs evidence? Go with your feels. I'm like a radio, tuned to the stars. I found my frequency. Crystals speak to me.

LEVI, spoken: What are they saying?

DELIA, spoken: Buy more crystals! (sung) Everything, everything happens for a reason. Be a beacon of light in the world, put a little "alright" in the world. There are spiritual guides above. Look up and see 'em. Perception is reality, just listen to the melody the universe sings 'cause everything, everything happens for a reason.

LEVI, spoken: Gee, I hate to break it to you. (sung) The universe is just the contents of time, matter and space.

DELIA, spoken: Yeah.

LEVI, sung: Ninety-one billion light-years across and the Earth's a small place. Where good people die.

DELIA, spoken: No—

LEVI, spoken: Yeah. (sung) In famine and wars. The Pacific Islands are sinking, but negative thinking is hardly the cause. You think life is all unicorns and rainbows 'cause you're bored.

DELIA: Unicorns are scary!

LEVI: And positivity is a luxury that few can afford. We're gonna die, yes, you and I. In meaninglessness and alone...

DELIA: No no no! No! One day you may wake up alone.

LEVI, spoken: Okay?

DELIA: 'Cause your husband and his boyfriend bought a boat and then they sailed away to Rome.

LEVI, spoken: That's specific.

DELIA: So you cry yourself to sleep in deep despair, talkin' to the walls 'cause there's no one there and you have to buy a cat 'cause that's your last chance to have a family, take it from me! That your aging ass will have to believe that—Everything, everything happens for a reason. Put some more fun in the world, a little "I am still young!!!" in the world. Be prepared to take your eggs and freeze 'em—

LEVI, spoken: Is this still about me?

DELIA: 'Cause everything, everything happens—

LEVI: Sounds like terrible things can happen because the universe is random.

DELIA, spoken: Yes, but—(sung) Random for a reason!

LEVI: No reason!