In the realm of dreams

Chapter 18: Rehearsals and Regrets

Baek Yoona

Play rehearsals are three days a week after school which meant I had to cut down on my training days. The next few weeks are going to be gruesome between play rehearsals, training and study sessions my days will be full of activity. I didn't mind it though. Not at all, I was with friends or making new friends, learning new skills or advancing my learning.

The rehearsals were so much fun. Eugene turned out to be very knowledgeable about the world of acting, already ready with a quote or quip from a famous actor to inspire us whenever we got frustrated with numerous do-overs. While You Were Sleeping is one of my favourite dramas so I am actually really excited about our stage version. Of course we are doing a shortened version and toning down the romance a lot, we only have two hours to tell the story.

One day Eugene brought doughnuts to rehearsals. A few of us sat with our legs dangling from the edge of the stage afterwards passing the doughnut box around taking one each.

'It's delicious,' I said to Eugene through a mouthful of doughy, chewy goodness, passing the box to Sooho. He frowned as he tentatively took one out.

Eugene acknowledged what I said. 'I can take you to the place. It's a factory shop – they are making the doughnuts in front of you and you can literally pick them up whilst still hot'. He closed his eyes briefly, presumably recalling the freshness of the doughnuts.

'Sure, that sounds amazing. Where is it?'

'It's actually in the next town. But we can drive there'. What he meant was – he would drive because he knew I, like most of our classmates, didn't own a car. He brought his hand to my face and wiped away some sugar from my chin. I was quite taken aback by this action and simply nodded at him, not knowing how else to react.

He moved a lock of hair from his eyes and looked like he was about to say something else when Sooho cut in.

'We should go to our study session', ever the diligent student. He was right of course, we couldn't afford to miss a session. There are only 5 months left of the CSATs.

'Ah, I kind of wish we were done with the play already!', Sooho said in the middle of our session.

Then proceeded to explain when he saw my eyebrows were raised in question.

'I mean in terms of time, we just have a few more weeks of school before we break for the summer and we will miss out on the study sessions then'.

I twirled my pen in my hand. It didn't seem like a good idea to suspend our study sessions during summer vacation. A thought occurred to me.

'Well, what if we didn't suspend the sessions? What if we continued our sessions through the vacation weeks?'

I could see the comprehension dawning on Sooho's face. His lips curled up. 'That's a thought and a half!'.

I poked his hand with my pen. 'You are just jealous you didn't think of it first!'

Choi Sooho

Oh I was jealous alright. Eugene Yeo was getting on my nerves. He actually had the audacity, the boldness, to brush off sugar from her face. This is what I get for hesitating. I saw the sugar crumbs on her chin and my fingers were itching to wipe them off. Eugene with his American frankness just went for it whilst I was hesitating, wondering how Yoona would react.

She looked a bit taken aback. Hopefully, Eugene would have learned his lesson from her expression. Was he actually asking her out with the lure of the doughnut shop and promise of a ride? He moved fast. He wasn't even that close to her, was he? I mean sure we have been rehearsing for a few weeks now, but I have known her longer. And hopefully, I know her better. But I had to watch out for him. He could make his move again. I am not yet entirely sure what I would do if he did seriously ask her out. I mean what could I do?

That night my sketch was a jumble – a tangle of criss-crossing patterns. A reflection of my thoughts perhaps. I rummaged through my portraits of Yoona – by now I had a mini collection. I hoped it didn't make me sound like a stalker. As I drew her by night recollecting her expressions from the day, I found solace. It soothed me. It reminded me of something good; something good in me. I liked how I was when I was with her, when I thought of her, when I drew her. It kept the darkness at bay.

I knew it was totally irrational to be jealous of Eugene but I was. It's not like I was ever going to ask Yoona out or confess my feelings to her. For one thing, I didn't know whether she would ever like me. But that was the Small Thing. The main reason was the Big Thing. The Big Thing that haunted me, that stood like an invisible wall between my adoration and the recipient of my adoration.

What would she make if she ever saw these portraits? Would she be flattered? Or would she feel shy? I hoped she would at least think I did her justice by capturing some of her beauty with the pencil strokes. Her personality, sparkly as it was, was too precious, too phantasmagoric to be captured on paper by me. I should be grateful that I had access to her personality in school, and in my dreams, at least.

When she suggested we continued our study sessions over summer break, something blossomed in my heart. Some silly part of me thinks it's not just because of lessons, perhaps she also craved my company like I craved hers. If that were the case, would that make me happy or sad? Should I be happy if she reciprocated my feelings? Or is it sadder, more tragic, if two people had feelings for each other but couldn't be together?

Perhaps tonight only Shakespeare's words can best describe what I am feeling:

Farewell! thou art too dear for my possessing,
And like enough thou know'st thy estimate,
The charter of thy worth gives thee releasing;
My bonds in thee are all determinate.