Caught in the middle

Ch 3

Kai POV

It's Monday. I'm back to work again. I spent all day avoiding her judgment and turning over Joshua's double date proposal in my head. I don't know if I'm ready for a date with him. Even a less formal double date. My head is still fucked up over my ex. Uriah. The man who's kept my head tied up in trick knots for the last how many years. The man who always seems to know when I'm sort of feeling happy for moving past my overwhelming emotions that have controlled me for so long. It's been a few weeks since I've heard from him. It seems overdue for his name to pop up. He doesn't usually go this long between messages. Maybe this is finally it. Maybe he'll finally let me just... move on.
Shay walks in right as the work bell goes off. Better right on time than never. The girl isn't early or on time ever unless it's at work. And she isn't a moment early even at work. She assumes her position accross the air table from me. Just like every morning. I get a knowing look from her, loaded with expectation of an update about my decision about the date. I quickly look away and slip my Powerbeats into my hears hearing them automatically connect to my phone and start shuffling my music. We spend the next two and a half hours working perfectly in sync, her giving me her look waiting for my update and me refusing to acknowledge her look or give an update. I won't be able to ignore her on break but I want to enjoy my time while I can before our break brings my peace crashing down around me and I'm forced to face reality again.
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9:50am rolls around the bell for break sounds. Everyone drops what they're doing, and immediately walks away like an army of robots. Shay meets me as I round the corner around the work station tables to head towards the cafeteria tables. She gives me her look again and I take a deep breath before she can start assaulting me with questions.
"Ok. You had your day. You ignored me all day yesterday when I asked questions but the gigs up. I demand answers. Now. Have you talked to Joshua? Are you going to go on this date with him? When are you going to see him? Do you think it's a good idea? Do you want to? Are you ready? What was all of that about at the bar? I don't know what is going on but I need to. My life is boring and this is positively juicy. I want details. I want to live vicariously. Fill. Me. In." She hurled questions at me rapid fire, putting emphasis on her last three words separately.
"Shay," i say in a sigh, "I dont know what I'm going to do."
"Do not 'Shay' me, Kai. I will not be 'Shay'd' right now. I want answers. I need them. Is this because of Uriah? Did he text you? I swear to god if he text you I'm going to become unhinged. Positively unhinged." She chastises me, peppering me with more questions.
"No. It doesn't really have anything to do with Uriah. Not directly. I haven't talked to him in a few weeks. I've stopped myself every time I want to text him. And he hasn't reached out. I'm just on the fence, myself. I don't think I'm ready yet. I don't know if I'm ready. If Uriah text me right now and told me he wants me back, if he told me he loved me, if he told me he was ready to give us another shot, a real shot this time? I don't know what I'd say. Why would I commit to this date, why even bother seeing what Joshua wants, if I'm not even sure what I can do about Uriah? My head is too confused." I explain, looking away.
I can't make eye contact with Shay. She will support me like nobody else. She won't genuinely judge me and she's a 'ride or die' in the most basic and dramatic sense of the phrase. She doesn't like my choices or feelings sometimes, but she supports me. She'll help me work through the emotions when I'm ready. But I'm not ready yet. I don't know when I will be.
Shay sighs, "Kai," she starts, "this could be your clean break. From Uriah. With Joshua. This could be your chance to get under Joshua, to get over Uriah. Even just to get your mind off Uriah for a few hours. He hasn't text you in weeks. Take the head start he's finally given you, and use it to put more mental space between you and him. And use Joshua to do it. I know it's hard but I think you can."
"I don't think I'm ready yet, Shay. Distraction doesn't work for me. I have to just get over Uriah, the old fashioned way. Determination. Time. Space. I need to just... do it. I don't think Joshua is going to help." I insist, "I'll do it eventually. I will. Just not with Joshua. I don't even know if he really wants to get to know me anymore. It's been a long time. Maybe he just wants a date and to take me home for the night. Maybe he doesn't want to get to know me and the double date is just a facade."
She gives me an evil look. "I don't think it works like, girl. I don't want you falling into that trap again. This happens every time."
"One day it won't happen anymore. Maybe this is the time." Im not as optimistic as i want to be. But maybe this is the time it's over. Maybe this is the time things really will just fade away. Shay and I both stand up as the bell signals the end of our work break and we head back to our respective areas with a smile to each other and a look from her that says she isn't letting this go permanently, but she will for now.
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The rest of the day goes by uneventfully as far as work goes. Shay didn't have much to say the rest of the day on our breaks at work when I saw her. I think she knew I wasn't going to give up anything else or talk about it anymore quite yet. I waited with her in companionable silence after work by our vehicles while she smoked her post work cigarette and we parted ways with another wave and smile goodbye. I got into my little red car and turned it on, my Bluetooth connecting my phone to my car automatically and the sound of Ella Mai singing "Boo'd up" surroudning me. As I'm about to back out of my parking spot my phone vibrates in my lap. I glance down and it's a notification from Snapchat. Unusual as I don't prefer Snapchat and most of my friends know better than to snap me, they call or text. I tap the notification on my screen and my history of opened but unanswered messages or snaps pop up with my newest notification.

Uriah: hey baby

My heart drops. That name. The pet name. Just him. I close my phone without replying, dropping it back into my lap. I don't know how to reply. Do I reply? I glance over and catch Shay's last glance at me as she smiles and backs out to leave, not realizing the bowling ball that settled low in the pit of my stomach pulling my heart down. I take a deep breath, shaking my head to clear it of the fog that comes with the bowling ball pulling my heart down into the pit of my stomach and push my car into reverse. I'm not sure how I want to proceed. I don't know if I want to reply. I don't know if I want to ignore his message. I don't know if I CAN ignore his message. Part of me wants to keep my momentum going like Shay said and part of me wants to give in. I miss him and I want to talk to him. But I'm hesitant because he's hurt me so bad already. Over and over again, why wouldn't he do it again?