someone to stay

37

⚠️tw: suicide attempt, mentions of death and self harm⚠️

rosa's pov

i sat in my car and drove off. i turned off my phone so nobody could get into contact with me or track me.

i didn't even know where i was driving. everything was a blur but some places were recognisable. specific shops that had memories.

the thoughts rushed through my head again.

nobody wants me here.

maybe i'm better off dead.

even leah is fed up with me.

i'm just worthless.

i drove for hours and then i stopped at a bridge, over looking a huge lake beneath it.

i looked at the clock on my car. 10:47pm.

i got out and climbed onto the rusty metal of the bridge. i sat down and dangled my feet over the edge.

i looked behind me. there's lots of traffic on the bridge. cars driving past quickly. occasional beeping of car horns. blinding headlights and the flicker of street lights.

then i looked infront of me. down at the water. it looks so peaceful and tranquil. as if there is nothing disturbing it. it's so calm. a dark blueish colour with the moonlight beaming down on it highlighting the slight ripples from the infrequent movement of aquatic life living down in that soothing place beneath me.

behind me is like the inside of my head. below me is where i wish my head felt.

the thoughts engulfed me. i thought of all the pain in my life. the suffering i had endured. abuse from my dad, both physical and mental. the name calling, homophobia, threats, the comments about my sex life, then the hitting, punching, kicking, beatings, and then when he stabbed me infront of my whole team and their families. he made me feel so much pain and also made me feel ashamed.

then i thought of jordan. all the shit that is went through because of her. she punched me. she tormented me mentally. got in my head and messed me about. made comments about leah. then posted about me and leah. she made what felt like the whole world turn against me. she made me feel like shit all over again.

then i thought of the abuse from the football community. online and at games. the comments under my posts. the private messages. posts that people would make about me. the false rumours that people spread. the words that made me suffer. telling me to self harm and that i should just die.

tears were already streaming. the cold windy air hit my face. it felt like a thousand knives slicing open my skin yet something about that pain felt good. it felt as though it's what i deserved. i deserve it for causing pain to so many people. i hurt my friends and family. worst of all i hurt leah. the woman i love so much. she deserves so much better than me.

then my thoughts went to my mum. she's gone. i need her right now. i thought about my dad, shouting at my mum. snapping. i envisioned the whole murder play out. even though we aren't completely certain that's what happened, in my head it is. there's no other way she could have died with injuries like that.

but now she's safe. safe from him. nobody can hurt her. she's looking down on me from heaven. she's probably so ashamed or disappointed in the things i've done and the person i've become.

she's up there in heaven where it's safe and calm and peaceful. like the water beneath me.

all sane thoughts stopped. to be fair, sane thoughts stopped a while ago but now there is no turning back.