𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚘, Hyunjin

11.

September 2023

Never in my life did I think I would be spending my time worrying about making a friend. I was more nervous over the fact that he had approached me first. The man who was walking art had asked me to be his friend.

At the gallery, he had approached me with such nerves. The way he stuttered and tried to smile as he talked. The way he tried to keep eye contact but his eyes would shake. The way he ran towards me to get my attention. The feelings running through my body were so new and foreign; I almost thought I was ill from all the tingles.

I knew what it was. The emotions made me feel something so foreign; it was obvious to me that I was experiencing the difficult feelings of liking someone. I am ecstatic to make a friend, finally, after being here for a year. Someone that I feel comfortable enough to talk to, after the initial awkwardness. Someone that I would look forward to meeting up with, and trying to hold a conversation with.

Hyunjin made it feel so much easier. He had this power that made me feel elated like I was someone I wasn't. He had placed me into a different body and boosted my confidence. His smile alone made me feel safer than I had felt since arriving in Korea. Hyunjin had become the embodiment of a drug for me and he didn't even know it.

In a week, he wanted to meet up at Y Cat Café. I immediately loved the idea. I had yet to visit a sweet cat café, but I loved cats. I was never confident enough to eat out at restaurants or cafes by myself, but I would walk past a sweet dessert place when I went to work. I desired to go inside all the time, but I struggled to deal with the anxiety of talking to people and ordering my own food. The thought of messing up my order or anything similar drove the idea of going inside, away.

I hope when I eat with Hyunjin, I might feel brave again and more comfortable in my surroundings with him.

Before he left the gallery, he exchanged numbers even though I wasn't allowed on my phone while working. Jisoo had spied that I had been 'wasting' time when touring them around and I expected her to snitch on me to my boss, but I was pleasantly surprised by the teasing smile she sent my way. I would be lying if I said I understood what the smile meant.

No messages or phone calls had come through since that day. Every time I opened my phone, I wanted a message to be there. I wanted him to message me and let me know that our hangout was still happening. I knew I needed to take the initiative and make the first move despite how it made me feel.

I picked up my phone and looked at the contact of the prettiest man.

'Hyunjinnie' He had named himself when he put his number in my phone.

I smiled and opened the messages. Nothing was there, it was just bare. I sighed to myself and tried to think about what I wanted to type out to start a conversation with him. I looked around my apartment for some sort of inspiration. I couldn't even begin to think of something interesting enough to start a conversation.

I placed my phone down on my bed, beside where I was sitting. Opposite my bed, was my TV. Playing on the television was Hunter x Hunter, an anime show I had just started watching. It came out in 2011 so I felt I had started late and missed all the hype about it. Missing the hype wasn't what I was bothered about, I could watch it without the pressure of keeping up with everyone else.

A ping from my phone drew my attention away so I paused the episode. I checked the notification. My phone has notified me of a new message. I paused for a second, hoping it to be that certain someone. My fingers turned a little cold and with some hesitance, I opened the message.

I smiled at the message. It was from the walking form of art. The prettiest man I knew. The tingles that sat at the bottom of my stomach were lighting up in a fever, and they ran rampant through my arms, legs and the wires in my brain. The synapses in my spine had tightened and relaxed making my body almost convulse in delight.

'11am Y Cat Café, okay Oliver?'

It was so simple, so normal. It didn't break any of the awkward ice barriers because Hyunjin didn't believe there were any. He had messaged me as if we had been friends for ages and he was just checking up on our meeting time. Surprisingly, I quite like the fact that he messaged with a clear goal in mind, it made it a whole lot more comfortable and made me feel secure in the way I wanted to message him back.

'okay! thank you Hyunjin-ssi.'

Since that day, my brain hasn't been able to stop whirring around, looking for the reason why Hyunjin approached me. Being my friend was the only thing I wanted to think about. I wanted Hyunjin to really be my friend and to be my only one. However, I wasn't anyone's first choice of friend so why would he approach me unless he had an ulterior motive?

Did he want access to the gallery for free for the rest of time?

Because I would let him, and pay for him for the rest of my life if he wanted.

Did he just want to know more about art and not me?

Because I would spend my time talking about art the whole time if he wished.

Did he need me to help him with something to do with art?

Because I would help him even if I got to talk to him some more.

Yet, why would he be using me? I've never been up to someone's standards before and I definitely haven't been useful enough to ever be used. The thought of Hyunjin using me for something was almost barbaric and I could never picture him doing such a thing, but I know deep down I would be very hurt.

All my life I have been called 'a baby', or too 'sensitive' for a man. It bothered me when people called me these things because they were right. I get hurt easily and I can't even hold grudges so I continue to get more hurt by people. I want to hold grudges, I want to shout at people sometimes but when it actually comes to it, my willpower seems to just disappear into thin air.

My phone pinged again, and it happily brought me out of my self-deprecating thoughts.

'how old are you Oliver?'

I smiled at the typical Korean question. I was always slightly amused when I was asked this question. Moving from a country where age doesn't relate to a hierarchy and respect, to one that does, you get asked your age a lot. I give them the year of my birth and sometimes I'm met with surprise or nonchalance. One thing I dislike about the hierarchy is the immediate picture people seem to create of you with how old you are.

If you're younger, you can automatically be babied by those older than you. If you are older, there's a lot expected of you by those older and younger. If you're the same age, the respect sometimes goes out of the window.

'born in 2000, you?'

I wouldn't be surprised if he was a little older than me, although he seemed cute at the gallery, he also seemed wise and quite mature. He couldn't have been older than 25 though, his features were delicate and still young. I would be surprised if he was younger, I think I might struggle with taking the lead with a younger person or perhaps having that 'hyung' role.

'2000 too! chingu!'

I couldn't stop the small chuckle leaving my lips. He really was a friend, the thought of it made every nerve settle down a bit. This was good, this was making me excited to have someone. I would be telling my therapist about him.

Speaking of therapists and therapy, I still needed to fill out that booklet. I had planned to have it done when I had the tour with Hyunjin and Jeongin, but I was simply too nervous and I couldn't multitask well. My therapist said to try and get it done whenever I had time, but I promised her I'd have it by my next session. My next session was on Sunday.