𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚘, Hyunjin

18.

September 2023

The feeling of annoyance was starting to brim the edges of my body, slightly pouring out over the top. The irritability that surrounded my body because of small things was a hamartia. A downfall that would bring only bad karma into my life. I was trying hard to calm down; I was trying to find something to distract myself but I was finding it difficult.

I wish she would tell me beforehand. At the gallery, I was used to the open exhibitions that happened constantly. An open exhibition was when a series of artists' work would be put up for a few months, especially if the art pieces were famous and well sought-after. On the night the artwork is open for a private viewing - it all comes down to the curators to lead a short tour and give speeches. I usually was never present for these as I struggled with them but I had been asked this time due to a shortage of staff.

The shortage was due to an illness, my boss said. I never anticipated doing a tour tonight so it made me feel unprepared and uncomfortable. I never intended to do a speech either - I was completely caught off guard and giving speeches in front of a crowd made my body run cold. I couldn't do it, I could never do it. Throughout school doing speeches and standing in front of the class was the most sweat-inducing thing ever.

I was sitting in the closet, wiping my sweat, trying to write down the start of a speech that I could practise. Just what was I going to say to a group of private art investigators, and to the artist who were attending, to all the people who were close family and friends of the artist?

The massive amounts of pressure and stress on my shoulders was almost making me cry. I couldn't do it. I closed my phone and sat down on the floor. I put my head in my hands, trying to ground myself. It's okay if I let my boss know, she'll definitely give me some advice or she'll do it herself. Dreading it would only make the whole experience worse - it could be over in a second if I just stop caring what people think.

I checked the time after I tried to convince myself all was going to be alright. Everything would work out, and even if I stumble on my words, no one would judge me because we're all adults here. In two hours, the exhibition would be open for private people including the artist themselves and I would be giving a speech. I was stressing myself out - too many thoughts that were telling me everything was going to go wrong.

I opened Hyunjin's number.

'I don't know if I'll make it around tonight.'

I left it at that; I didn't know how to explain that I had to cancel in order to get rid of some of the stress overtaking my body. I was terrified of Hyunjin seeing me in a state of perpetual annoyance and irritability just from this day alone. Shouting at him, and breaking down on him was a thing I wanted to avoid forever. Shouting at him this early in our friendship would scare him away and forever make me guilty. Then I would have to tell my therapist about how I couldn't hold a friendship for long.

'That's okay! Let me know if you change your mind later on.'

His message was accommodating, it made me feel a little bit more comfortable before approaching my impending doom of social interaction. I stood up from the cupboard before approaching another cupboard full of cleaning products for the marble floor. The gallery had closed to the public early for this private viewing, I had to spend my time cleaning and drying the large mass of marble floor all around the new area full of the exhibition work.

I didn't expect it to take more than an hour, but after I finished using the immaculate shine product on the marble tiles - The first few guests started to arrive early. My boss ushered me to put away all the cleaning products as she welcomed them into the gallery.

My hands were already sweating, I resisted the urge to wipe them on my uniform. I was also resisting the urge to run them through my hair. My mouth was dry, my eyes were stinging because I felt if I blinked I would miss something absolutely detrimental. I was warm, very warm like I needed to stand in front of a fan or go take a break outside. I couldn't afford to do it now. People were entering the gallery, looking around, and seeing where they needed to go. I took a deep breath, it's just a regular tour.