SEA, SWALLOW ME, remus lupin

aon air fichead, corrosion of the soul

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
corrosion of the soul

𖦹 ⋆｡˚⋆ฺ ⋆｡˚⋆ฺ˚⋆˚ 𖦹

THE RAIN STILL HADN'T LET UP SINCE the day before, swamping the castle with colossal puddles and drastically rising the water level of the Black Lake. Thunder grumbles forebodingly outside whilst the sun cowers out of sight, curling down from the blackened sky in smoky tendrils. The lingering scent of petrichor has been washed away by the torrential storms, the rise in bad weather signalling to everyone facing its wrath that winter is only drawing closer and closer. Though, it hadn't exactly been the nicest summer either. Cove supposes it's a lose-lose situation when you live in somewhere with weather as bipolar as Scotland.

  To make matters worse, her day is already going poorly. Her dorm mate's alarm hadn't gone off that morning so the four girls she shares a room with were all late to breakfast and incredibly grouchy, causing some serious arguments over the bathroom that morning — hair was pulled, things were said. Cove doesn't want to dwell on it. Then, in second period Transfiguration she had turned her chinchilla into a furry lampshade instead of a teacup, and the lovely new shoes she had bought in Hogsmeade were giving her blisters through her tights, which already have a massive ladder torn up the side of them. She also happened to apply her non-waterproof mascara that morning, so if when she inevitably goes outside and gets soaked, she'll be a sight to behold. The universe seems to be in a huff with her and she doesn't know what she's done to give herself such bad luck. She just wants to get last period to be over with and go to bed.

Mary and Cove are chatting mindlessly as they wander down the corridor towards the Herbology greenhouses, dreading the rain that'll torment them when they step outside. Cove wants to scream. The warning bell rings out around the school and encourages them to pick up the pace before they're marked down as late. Just as they're about to reach the archway that leads outside, someone calls out after them, exclamations echoing around the corridor.

  "Cove! Hold on!"

  She curses under her breath. Just her luck. "It's alright. Go on without me," she says to Mary. "I'll catch up in a bit. Tell Professor Sprout that I'll be a bit late."

Mary's eyes pass between the two of them, but she nods her head and hurries in the direction of the greenhouses, robes hoisted over her head to fight off the rain. Cove turns to face Remus, picking at her cuticles nervously.

"Hi," he says, slightly out of breath. "Have you, um, been avoiding me?"

Cove gnaws on the inside of her cheek, any excuses failing her. "I mean, avoid is a fairly strong word to use—"

"So, yes," he says harshly.

  She looks at her shoes culpably. The guilt is raw and insatiable, tearing her heart to gory ribbons. Cove knows that she doesn't have a reasonable explanation and whatever she's about to tell him will only hurt him more.

  Remus searches her face desperately. "At least look at me when I'm talking to you," he pleads. "Please."

Cove obliges. Her heart fractures into a million pieces at the sight of him, so familiar and comforting against the dreary atmosphere of that afternoon. It kills her to know that she can't have him, that he's just barely out of her reach. She looks at him and it hurts.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Remus," she murmurs.

"Just..." He sighs, jaw clenched. "Give me an explanation, at least? Did I do something wrong?"

"No! No," she says firmly. "You're perfect, Remus. It isn't anything wrong with you. It's all my fault."

He huffs an incredulous laugh. "Yeah, right. What does that even mean?"

"I'm being serious," Cove reiterates, her voice small. "This is all my fault."

  "What's your fault?" he pleads. "Why won't you tell me what's the matter? I could try and fix it."

  "It can't be fixed, Remus," she answers cryptically. She goes back to staring at the ground, at the stupid too-tight shoes that are giving her blisters.

"Look, Cove, I—" He looks up at the ceiling to garner his thoughts, a frown pulling at his lips. "I, er, really like you. As in, really like you. Maybe this isn't the time to tell you that, but I don't want you to avoid me. If I've done anything to upset you..."

His voice fades. She opens and closes her mouth like a goldfish, at a loss for words. This is what she wanted all along, right? Right?

Her sealskin feels heavy in her bag, weighing her down, tethering her to one identity. Images of her parents and Cordelia's warnings fog up her mind, addling her thoughts until they're all muddled up and nothing's really making sense to her anymore. How does she know that she could trust him? Trust is what got her mother trapped on land forever. Her breathing is bordering on hyperventilating now, a tremor coursing through her hands. She feels so dizzy.

"I—" she swallows thickly to rid the lump forming in her throat. "I'm sorry, Remus. I can't do this."

"What? Wait, don't go!"

She can't look at him. "I have to."

He latches onto her arm desperately, fingertips leaving indents. "Please, just listen—"

  She tries to wriggle away from him, pulling too violently in one direction and having his nails leave crimson crescent moons marking her flesh. His hand tightens but it doesn't look as though he even realises what he's doing, accidentally pressing down on the scratches until it becomes unbearable.

"Remus, stop it!" Cove cries out. "You're hurting me."

He lets go instantly after she says that, worry etched in every scar and imperfection on his face. The remnants of her voice resound through the hall like the swan song of a spectre. He looks between her face and the imprints he left on her forearm regretfully, retracting his hands and curling them in against his chest as if he had been burned. He takes one step back, and then another.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, voice cracking. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."

"No, don't—" she cuts herself off, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes to cease the tears. "Don't apologise. I have to, um, go."

  This time, he doesn't try to stop her.

 

 

author's note!

this chapter sucksss and it's so short lol i hope it's not as anticlimactic as i think it is

95% sadness 5% me complaining abt the weather in scotland bc it's been pissing it down for a week xx

also, i hope i got her side of this whole dilemma across well 😭 she's defo not overreacting !!! i just hope that's obvious lmaoo