SEA, SWALLOW ME, remus lupin

naoi, when misery rains

CHAPTER NINE
when misery rains

                           𖦹 ⋆｡˚⋆ฺ ⋆｡˚⋆ฺ˚⋆˚ 𖦹

  WHEN REMUS PEERS OUT THE TRAIN window and sees the Highlands sweeping past him in a fleeting whirlwind of ice and melting sleet, he thinks that launching himself onto the tracks would be a kinder resolution to his problems than going into the compartment with his three best friends.

  Maybe that's dramatic. He isn't really thinking straight at the moment.

The lion's den rests a few meters down the hall from him, every other jolt of the train like the ticking of a clock urging him towards it with no time to spare. It almost feels like his feet are glued to the spot and his hands shake violently at the mere thought of confrontation.

His hearty sigh is caught in his throat, cold air whipping against his face as he ducks his head out the window. He's confined himself to a secluded corridor down the far end of the Hogwarts Express, blowing smoke into the world outside so that nobody catches him and gives him a row. He's supposed to be setting an example, after all. A few hot ashes have gathered on his fingertips but he's too distracted to shake them off, almost relishing in that scorched feeling of unforgiving warmth against the chill from outside. Remus takes a reluctant peek at his watch and realises that has to do his rounds soon, his prefect badge weighing heavily on his robes as a pressing reminder of his responsibilities.

He can't let Sirius get to him like this when he has more important things to be doing. Suddenly it feels like their Fifth Year all over again, that memory of Sirius' little prank on Snape leaving a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. He takes a long drag of his cigarette.

Remus grinds his jaw and finally decides that he has to find that courage residing deep in his heart and latch onto it, to dig his fingers in deep until the strength oozes between his cuticles, metallic and crimson. He needs to settle things once and for all.

  With a heavy heart, he snubs out his cigarette on the tiny windowsill and begins to saunter down the corridor, the garish carpet creaking beneath his leather boots. His stomach lurches with every twist and turn of the train, his nerves bubbling up again as he draws closer to their self-designated compartment, the muffled voices coming from inside only worsening his fears. He feels less confident when he hears the all too familiar laughter that barks from behind the door, the cracks in his facade beginning to splinter once more.

  Remus tries to take a deep breath to steel himself only to find his breathing pattern stammering like a sob, pressing his knuckle against his brow to shake off his worries. It doesn't really help, but he rolls his shoulders and lifts his chin to at least hold up the pretence that he isn't as fragile as he feels.

  The blinds are pulled down over the small window in the gnarled door. Looking at the familiar carvings of animals and their initials graffitied on the doorframe feels like a kick to the gut, his stare hardening at the sight. They'd put them there in Second Year as a kind of daft reminder that the compartment was theirs, even if it didn't translate that way to others. It made sense to them at the time, and that was seemingly all that mattered.

  Remus blinks away any reluctance. He lifts his fist to knock but decides against it at the last minute, instead latching onto the handle and sliding it open with a bloodcurdling screech. The conversation inside is immediately snuffed out when they see him standing there, his eyes narrowed in challenge. It's a Herculean effort not to break down right then and there.