finding happiness

way too good at goodbyes

ᴛʀɪɢɢᴇʀ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ ɪɴ ᴏᴘᴇɴɪɴɢ ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ'ꜱ ɴᴏᴛᴇ

:]

it's getting harder to fight off the darkness.

george can't even enjoy his last few minutes with karl because every few seconds his mind goes dark. he can't stop worrying about what will change when karl leaves. just when things have started looking up, he can feel it all falling apart around him at the mere thought of the brunette going.

he knows deep down that dream and sapnap can offer him the exact same comforts as karl can, so long as he tells them what he needs (which, he has discovered, is physical touch and reassurance, just keeping him company is enough). talking seems daunting though, and part of him thinks that he'd rather let himself fall back into pain than admit he needs help.

he watches karl get up when sapnap announces the time, feeling his chest cave open as the brunette tugs his suitcase by his side.

the brit's body pulls him up off of the couch almost mechanically, his mind thinking of anything other than the moment he's living in now. it's all future and past, nothing present. nothing real.

he's tired.

karl is hugging him and it feels like goodbye. probably because it is goodbye. karl is even saying, "bye georgie," and making stupid obnoxious kissy noises.

george scoffs because he knows that's the expected reaction but he doesn't feel the humour like he should. he's not amused by their parting. he misses him already.

"i'll take your suitcase out to the car," sapnap says.

"i'll uh- i'll help him," dream says, clearing his throat obnoxiously awkwardly in some failed attempt to cover up his fumble. still, he leaves out the door with sapnap and karl's singular suitcase, leaving the two brunettes alone in the living room.

karl pulls out of the hug then, just enough to hold his hands on the brunette's shoulders and glance over him. he smiles. "it's going to get better now," he says, and george wants to believe him. "i can help you now i know you're struggling, even if it's from a distance."

george almost wants to argue. he wants to deny the hopeful comment and point out the more realistic reality that he will just return to the same deep darkness he was drowning in before. he wants to point out that he likely isn't someone who can be saved. maybe he's destined to suffer.

he can't bring himself to say it, though, not when karl looks like he so genuinely believes what he is saying. george can't help but imagine how karl's mood would dim if he acted all pessimistic.

not to mention, he doesn't want his best friend to feel guilty for going home. he doesn't want the sureness of his everlasting depression to force karl to stay when he has much more important things to get on with.

so he just nods. it's resigned and weak-willed but he can't bring himself to do anything more convincing.

karl smiles, moving his right hand up from george's shoulder to squeeze his cheek, and the brit forces a smile in response. he feels like he has so much to say but he can't articulate any of it. he wants to tell karl that he loves him, that he wants to get better, that the brunette made him feel more alive than he has in forever, but all of the words are lodged deep under his throat, stuck underneath the ball of emotion.