TW: self harm
Having the constant feeling of being caged with your life is like a curse— it slowly takes your freedom, the will of living. It's like a chain slowly trying to choke you to death. Life is like a labyrinth or a maze where you can't find your way out. It's like running into a race while being chased by demons. It's like a forest— you felt so lost without having an escape. It's draining… exhausting.
That even sleeping can't help you rest a bit. I sighed after hearing my mom nagging at house chores. Kauuwi ko lang din galing sa school dahil sa late night project namin. It was midterm so it's really draining.
“Lavigne, hindi ka ba naglinis?!” she shouted from the kitchen.
I massaged the back of my head and sigh, ni hindi pa nga ako nakakapagbihis. I chose not to answer and went to my bathroom to wash my face. I was too tired but I still have pending activities to finish.
“Lavigne Mendez?!” she knocked on my door aggressively.
“I'm in the bathroom.” I answered, I couldn't even hear my own voice.
“Why didn't you clean the house?!”
I stared at my own reflection, why is it so lifeless?
“I just got home, Ma.” I mumbled.
“Clean the house before you sleep, ha! Hindi puro sa eskwelahan iikot buhay mo!”
I took a deep breath before answering, “Hmm.”
I chuckled while watching myself in my reflection, “Hindi raw… pero kapag bagsak, ikukumpara.”
“I can hear you, Vigne. Ayan ka na naman sa ugali mo!” sigaw niya kaya napahilamos na lang ako ulit.
I know how ugly my attitude is because I used to keep everything inside me, unlike my brother who can say anything about his thoughts. I am the opposite of him, kung siya kaya niyang kumibo nang harapan, ako mas gustong kipkipin lahat sa loob. And that's a fuck up.
They're tired, but they can't understand my tiredness. Para sa kanila, sila lang ang napapagod.
Nang lumabas ako sa banyo ay agad bumungad sa akin ang sandamakmak na damit na kailangan ko munang itupi, natabunan na ng mga damit na ‘yon ang reviewer ko. Architecture shit… it's not even my thing, why am I here? Ah… dahil sa kagustuhan nila. Iisa lang ang kakampi ko rito, nawala pa sa'kin.
I love my mom, I love my brother… but sometimes I feel like they don't even love me the way I love them. Hindi ko man lang maikwento sa kanila ang achievements ko sa school, I don't even know if they are aware that I am part of the DL.
It was already midnight when I finished all my chores, hindi ko na rin magawang kumain kaya nagkape na lang ako at tinapos ang plates ko na kailangan kong ipasa bukas. My best friend, ang tanging kakampi ko, messaged me if I needed help but I refused her offer. She's too busy, gaya ko, at ayokong bigyan pa siya ng responsibilidad dahil sa akin.
Nang matapos ako sa plate ko ay naligo na rin ako agad dahil may pasok pa ako. While I was showering, I saw my wrist… puro marka. I held it and kissed it, I whispered my apology to myself for doing it again and again and again. My last attempt was last week, it was still reddish but I don't think it's noticeable. Still, I chose to wear a long sleeve hoodie and a skirt just to hide my arms. Puro pasa kasi.
Nagkita kami ni Quin sa library at sabay na nagpasa sa prof namin. Hindi tinanggap kaya paninagong plate na naman. I put all nighter again just to finish it. Ayoko rin naman matulog… sleeping can't even help me get the rest I want. Puro sleep paralysis kaya kahit sa pagtulog kasunod ko pa rin ang mga demonyo sa utak ko.
