Backseat Driver / Reneé Rapp

What You Can't Have

I can't sleep, but I've at least gotten Reneé to sleep. She's been cuddled up next to me, occasionally jolting in her sleep.

My mind is reeling on what might have happened to her. I don't even know her that well, but no one, not even her, deserves to be hurt.

I brush a strand of hair out of her face and tuck it behind her ear and study her face as she sleeps. She has cute little freckles on her cheeks and nose that I hadn't noticed before. Her eyebrows furrow for a moment before she wraps her arm around my waist and tucks her head under my chin.

I close my eyes and try to drift off to sleep.

Hours later I'm woken up by the sound of Reneé' phone keyboard clacking away as she's still laying next to me. I shift my body and pull her closer. "Hey..." I say in a soft voice, walking on eggshells around her.

"Hey." She replies, letting her phone go dark and resting her hand on mine. "Thank you for picking me up this morning. I know you're gonna say some shit like 'It's just my job.' But forreal, it means a lot to me that you showed up... especially when no one else did."

"I don't know whether to take the compliment or to be offended that I'm your last resort." I half joke with her.

But deep down, I finally get what Jade meant when she said she wanted to be someone's first choice. Here I am, secretly wishing I was her first call, wishing I could let my past go and just jump into this with her with both feet. But there are those things called feelings... those are uncomfortable, so I keep my distance.

"Q, I gave you the day off and I really didn't wanna bother you, besides it was like 5am and-" she starts but I cut her off.

"I'm literally on call for you at all hours love... yes it's a part of my job, but like you, I also like the sound of your voice. It's soothing and peaceful, plus any excuse to see you is a good one." I admit, thankful she's facing away from me so she can't see me blushing like a madwoman.

She turns over to face me and I avoid her gaze because now I can't hide the fact I'm blushing. "Aww look at your little cheeks!" She points out, and that just makes them flush even more.

I cover my face with my hands. "I swear I'm not this fucking soft." I groan out.

Reneé moves my hands and leans in to kiss me. This time, I embrace it, reaching out to caress her face as I kiss her back. Her lips igniting a fire deep within me that I hadn't know had gone out, one that felt so foreign to me and I wasn't sure how to process it.

My hands move to her waist and my fingers brush the skin just under her shirt.

"Stop!" Reneé panics and grabs my wrist. "Sorry I don't know what happened. Normally..."

I kiss her forehead and cuddle her. "Shh, it's okay you don't have to apologize or explain." Now I definitely know someone hurt her last night, and it breaks my heart. "Do you have anything on the schedule today?" I ask out of curiosity.

"No, I had Adam reschedule everything this week and fit it in somewhere next week. I just want to wallow this week..." she says playing with the strings of my hoodie.

"So next week is going to be busy, I'll keep that in mind. Have you eaten today love?" I ask brushing my thumb along her chin.

"No, I haven't really had an appetite since I woke up."

I hop up from the couch and stretch. "Would you mind if I raided your kitchen, because I'm literally starving." I ask.

"Go for it." She gives me a small smile, but I can tell it's not genuine.