Noelle.

SEVENTEEN.

Jeremiah.

I listened to my Christian contemporary music softly, on my way to the airport to pick up my mom to surprise my brother for his wedding. Even though Ion' too much fuck with his fiancée, ima play nice, but only for the sake of him. He found somebody that make him happy, and I ain't gon' be the one to get in the way of that.

It's been a while since my mom has come to visit us, and she made a plan with me to pretend like she couldn't make it so she could pop up and surprise him a few days before, but her flight got canceled yesterday, and we had to get it switched to today. It came an hour before it was time for the wedding rehearsal.

My phone rang and the call showed on my Apple car play, "Wassup?" I spoke out loud. "Are you gonna be on time?" my brother's voice boomed through my entire car. "Yeah, stop worryin', ima make it on time" I replied to Derek. "I know you and Ayva don't get along but I appreciate you saying yeah to being my best man" he confessed. I continued to drive, "Who else would it have been if not me?" I joked, knowing that he wouldn't have wanted it to be anyone else. "Judah" he replied without hesitation, making both of us laugh, "Yeah, aight, we all know I was the favorite" I replied, causing him to scoff jokingly. "Ima be on time, and if I ain't, ima let you know" I added before we hung up.

My music cut back through, leaving me with my thoughts as I continued to drive. Judah was our older brother. He died when we were young, I was 17, Derek had just turned 15, and when he died, he was 23. His death took a toll on the dynamic of our household, we ain't have a father figure after he died, but my momma and her boys were all close as hell. She was at every game, every school event, and every graduation. The toll on me was pretty tough too, I ain't never felt pain like that before.

He was the only true father figure that I knew, I was getting to the age where shit was getting tough for me and I felt like I had the world on my shoulders even though I was so young. I had anger issues through the roof and was tryna decide that I knew what was best for myself even though I was only 16 around that time. I'll never forget the day I thought I was stronger than him and he hemmed me up against my momma bedroom wall.

Talking about Judah was always hard for my family, so we rarely spoke on it, it was an unspoken thing. The first time I talked about it in therapy, I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I had so much built up anger, frustration and hurt but had no outlet for it until therapy. For the first time in my life, I felt like all my emotions that I was harboring was finally being validated by someone other than my moms since Judah's death. I ain't never been one to be vulnerable around anyone but my mama, so to sit in a room on my first day of therapy and cry in front of another black man and not feel alone, to feel heard and understood, that was a different type of inclusivity I never felt from a black man besides Judah.

The pairing of me and my therapist couldn't have been more spot on, like it was divinely paired, cause he dealt with somewhat the same thing. Grew up with no father but had a great father figure, and after he died, he felt almost the same emotions as I did. He ain't wanna go down a wrong path but could see himself either doing that or offing his'self. He knew that by then, it got too far, and he started seeking help, found God, a therapist, and turned his life around for the better. Now he help black men who can relate to him.

Before I knew it, I pulled up to the airport, my momma sitting waiting for me, as if she was following my location and knew I was outside. I got out the car and rushed to her, wrapping her in a tight hug. "Hi baby" she laughed softly, wrapping me in a hug of her own.

It's been about three years since I've seen my mom in person. The last time I came to visit her was right before covid hit, "Hi mama" I sighed into the hug. I never understood when people said things like 'sometimes all you need is a hug from your mama' until now. I could have shed a few tears at the sight of my favorite woman.