"She wanted everything but settled for nothing." Those words sit in my photo gallery; in my collection of pretty poetry. Words from another poet's pen when talking of a girl who could only ever feel very little or far too much. I'd downloaded the full paragraph because I could relate to it. I was one of those girls.
And then it struck me--the realization that that last line perfectly described what happened between us. It was me, settling. Wanting so much more but convinced I'd never get it, so I put on a fake smile as I got handed less. A million levels less. So far out of your league because I thought that if you couldn't want me, then surely your polar opposite could. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I wanted him because he wanted me and you didn't. I tried fitting this person into a jigsaw puzzle whose only missing piece was carved into your silhouette and I thought being wanted by someone could change that. Boy, was I wrong.
You were everything I wanted. For the longest time I was stuck on someone who left me, and then you came in and pressed restart. That feeling of curiosity and infatuation felt new again. I was so aware of all your good qualities that I thought of you obsessively. Suddenly, every song I heard, every love poem I read and wrote, every crazy fantasy my head conjured up, was for a single person. You were smart, and funny and I had your respect and it seems like every moment since then I've done everything to lose that. You treated me like a person, like a friend you actually wanted to get to know. You made more effort to learn about me than anybody ever did. All my life, I've been saying that that's what I wanted in a guy, and there you were--with everything I was asking for.
I could never understand why we stopped talking after he came along. I wanted to hide it at the time, but now I just want you to know that he was just there because I didn't think you'd ever like me that way. If it had been a choice, of course I would've picked you, but you never made yourself an option.
I wanted you, of course I did. You were everything. But because I only dealt in extremes, I settled for worse than nothing.
