I go back on tour today, hopefully it will distract me from all the awful junk going on in my life. It's only been two days since Ed left me, but its felt like a lifetime. He hasn't reached out to me whatsoever, and neither has Calvin. It doesn't matter if I never talk to Calvin ever again, he did something I can never forgive him for. I have hardly left my bed for two days. I haven't eaten in two days. I haven't been happy for two days. I'm ready to go back on tour, just so I can get my mind off of things.
I arrive at the airport and go through security and board the plane very quickly. As I'm waiting for take of on my private plane, I send out a quick tweet to let the fans know I'm okay, or at least to make them think so. @Taylorswift13: "excited to be back on the road! Can't wait to see you all!" It only takes a minute for hate to come rolling in.
'You only wanted to fuck him!' Says one Calvin fan, and 'you only were in it for his money!' Said another, and of course #taywhore is trending within the hour. Don't they realize I hate myself as much as they hate me? I know I did a bad thing! I know I can never fix what I did. I know that I'm a whore, or a slut or whatever else they call me. Tears silently and slowly roll down my check. I drift asleep not long after, I've got nothing else to do.
Her dream:
I'm on a deserted road, surrounded by nothing but fields. I turn around and see his ginger hair a few feet away. I run to him but he get further away from me.
"Ed! Come back!" I cry.
"Why should I?!" He yells back.
"Because I love you!" Is that the best I can come up with? There's thousands of reasons for him to come back.
"Doesn't matter!" He shrugs sarcastically and runs away.
"No! Please! Stop! Come back!" I yell and then I wake up.
"Are you ok Ms.Swift?" The stewardess asks me sweetly.
"Yes,thank you, it was just a dream," I sigh, "how long until we arrive?"
"About an hour," she smiles as she walks away.
I dig my headphones out of my purse and stuff them into my ears for the next hour. After the plane lands, I make it to the arena safely. I look around the auditorium area where I'll be performing later in the evening in awe, I've always been obsessed with arenas and still am. I head to the dressing room to change into some more comfortable clothes to rehearse in.
Rehearsals take about two hours or so and afterwards I'm exhausted. So I go into my dressing room again and take another nap. I've been sleeping a lot lately, which is probably related to stress, depression, and lack of sleep in the past few days.
***
"Five minutes till on stage, Taylor!" One of the stage hands says as she peaks her head in the doorway.
"Thank you!" I say back to her as she leaves. Usually that's my mom telling me when to go on stage, but she's not going to be on this tour as much, due to the cancer, which pains me to think about, so I try not to. And typically my band, crew, and I share a dressing room and we all join each other before show time, but tonight I've got my own room. So I'm all alone, it's kind of boring. My phone suddenly rings, interrupting my thoughts.
"Hello?" I answer with out checking the screen for an I.D.
"Hi Taylor, it's Sarah. From your building?" Sarah answers. She's one of the desk ladies who takes care of guests and such. I've grown very fond of her and I guess you could say we were friends.
"Hi, Sarah. What's up?" I say anxiously, not wanting to be late on stage.
"Sorry to interrupt anything. I know your back on tour and all and... anyway! Remember when you told me to let you know if Ed comes back while your gone?" Oh my god he's come back. Did he forget I'm back on tour?
"Sarah catch up to him!" Suddenly there's wind in my ear as if she's running to catch him and I can hear her calling Ed's name. Then I hear his voice.
"Yeah, Sarah?" He asks sounding very annoyed.
"Taylor is on the phone and-"
"Not interested!"
"Well is there anything I can tell her? Why you stopped by?"
"I'm getting my stuff and moving back home."
"To England?" She sounds flabbergasted, I should've seen it coming.
"Yep. Now will you leave me to pack in peace, please?" I click the phone off and cry. I replay their conversation in my head over and over.
"Taylor!" Another stage hand comes into the room and interrupts my sobs, "you are late! Get yourself cleaned up and go!"
"Ok" I say quietly and jump off the couch and fix my makeup. It takes about five minutes but it's as quickly as possible. I dart down the halls and to the stage. The show quickly starts and I forget that Ed's moving away and all my other problems. Until my first song break, I take the opportunity to apologize for my lateness. "As you probably know I've had some problems lately and I'm grateful I have you guys looking out for me. See, someone made me look like someone I'm not. And that's hurt someone important to me, and its hurt me, too. But I'm lucky I have you guys to keep me company." I smile and keep going with the show. Everything is going as planned. I begin my speech before clean and start to cry again. "I'm sorry you guys," I sniffle, "I used to agree with this. But I don't agree with this anymore. Ha, I guess I should walk through a few more rain clouds. So I can once again be clean." And then I sing "Clean". The show continues on A-okay and I close the show with "Shake It Off" like normal. And I spend the night in my bus alone. 'Better get used to this,' I think, 'I'll be alone for ever.'
(Probably won't be updating for a few days unless I do a double update today. otherwise I'll let you know when I can update again.)
