Keeping Secrets

Chapter Eight

(Haha double update! Because you guys rock and frankly so do I! Hah enjoy!)

I cry all night. No Sleep Swift, that's what my friends call me all the time because-- well it obvious. This time it's no joke. How could he be so stupid? Was he trying to ruin my life? Finally, at six-thirty in the morning I hear Ed get out of bed, but I'm not ready to face him. He most likely heard my broken sobs at least once throughout the night. Maybe he'll come into the bedroom and talk about it. I want to work through our problems, but does he? After a heated argument with myself, talk to Ed first or Calvin? I decide on Calvin, to see what the hell he was thinking, maybe using that against him when I talk to Ed. I get out of bed as quietly as possible and get changed out of the clothes I was wearing yesterday. I slowly open the door, hoping it won't be it's squeaky, obnoxious self, and also hoping Ed might already be in the shower. I successfully make it to the living room and suck in my breath when I see Ed in the kitchen, his back to me. I stand frozen, unsure if I should address him or if it would be better for both of us for me to leave without anything said.

"Are you going to see him?" Ed asks as I pull my shoes on my feet. He sounds so hurt.

It kills me to hear his voice, because all last night that was the voice he was hiding from me. And I caused that pain in that voice. I freeze once again, now unsure if I should respond and if so, how?

"Whatever, it doesn't matter," he says.

"We'll talk later, ok?" I whisper as I turn the door knob and leave.

The drive to Calvin's house is the slowest drive I've ever drove. I keep crying. I feel like I have never stopped. "How fitting!" I scream to the air in the car, "it's going to storm! Do you think that I'm living in a movie or something?!" I scream at no one in particular. I pull to a stop at one of the longest lights in this area of town, so I turn on the radio. As if I couldn't get any more emotional, "Thinking Out Loud" blasts through my speakers. Luckily, the light quickly changes and I'm soon in Calvin's drive way. I slam my car door and walk up to the front door. I angrily knock a few times until I decide that aggressively ringing the doorbell repetitively is a better option.

"What the fuck do you want?!" Calvin shouts as he opens the door whilst rubbing his eyes, "Oh, Taylor, sorry. It's just a bit too early for my liking", he smiles like he has no idea why I'm here at the ungodly hour of seven o'clock. I march myself inside the house without invitation, breaking some sort of vase on my into the living room.

"The hell, Tay?!" He shouts after me.

"'The hell' me?! The hell, you?! That tweet?! The fuck would you do that for?!"

"Sit down," he states calmly.

"I'm on an emotional roller coaster today, and right now I'd like to stay on the angry path so I don't think sitting is my best option, thank you," I say mocking his calmness but end up speaking through my teeth.

"Okay, fair enough. But I'm going to sit," he says as he sits down on the sofa, "I want you for myself. That's why I sent out the tweet, I figured it would break you and Ed up. And I know it sounds selfish-"

"You're damn fucking right it's selfish!" I interrupt, "Ed saw the tweet before I did. He hates me so much I don't know what I'm going to do," I start crying again. Shit, I thought I was done with that. I sit down and cry more, except tears don't come out, like I cried myself dry or something, "He didn't say a word to me last night. Not a single thing. He wouldn't even sit next to me, or stand near me, I should've figured he found out." It was at that moment I knew how big of a mistake I had made. It was that moment that I realized that I was being selfish, wanting two men and just thinking it would work out until I figured out who I loved more. It was Ed, always Ed. But I had been to stupid, and selfish to see that. I jolt off the couch and run to the door, I can hear Calvin calling after me, telling me to wait, and to stay and let him explain, but there's no time for explanations.

"I gotta go," I breathe out and run to my car without looking back. I have never drove as fast as I did. I almost got into an accident, twice. I run up to my apartment and throw the door open, my eyes scanning for any sight of Ed. He's on the couch, in tears. I stop dead in my tracks, not believing my eyes. In all the years I've known him never have I seen him cry.

"This is all my fault," I say out loud, although it was unintentional.

"Yeah," he cries, "it is." I run to him but he pushes past me and walks into the hall.

"We need to talk."

"Talk then," he says.

"Ok," I sigh, "it started a couple weeks ago,"

"Good, god! That long?!" He cries harder and so do I, I don't notice it until I feel a tear hit my mouth.

"Please, hear me out!" We both slide down on opposite sides of the room and lean against the wall, "He told me he had feelings for me and he kissed me. And I let him. And I liked it, and we slept together," Ed just cried harder, the more he cried, the more I did.

"And then you came back here and told me lies. That he took it well and that you guys agreed on just friends," he sobbed.

"It was a big mistake. I know. I don't know what I was thinking. I want you, I know that now. I need you, I love you."

"That doesn't matter," he sniffs and walks to door, wiping his eyes, "that doesn't fix everything!" He opens the door.

"Where are you going?" I ask cautiously.

"I'm leaving. I can't talk to you anymore. I can't look at you. I can't be around you anymore. I'm done, were done. Have a nice life," and with that he was gone.

I continued crying and fell to the floor. I had enough tears to fill the oceans. I'm surprised it didn't flood the apartment. By noon I felt numb. I picked up my phone an tried calling Ed, without any answer, unsurprisingly. I text him 'I'm sorry' and then 'I miss you' and then finally 'I love you'. I looked every ten minutes, he didn't even open them. I can't even imagine what he's thinking, or doing, or feeling.

--------------not longer after--------------

"Well, hope you're happy," I cry into Calvin's voicemail box, "Ed and I broke up because of you. But, you just have less of a chance so don't even think about whatever sick things go in your head every night. And you can bet your ass I will get you arrested for spying on me. Yeah, that's right, I can see you on security cameras, watching me through my windows at night. You better knock that shit off or there will be trouble. Goodbye." So I had gotten a little drunk, didn't seem to wash away the pain. But it had given me the courage to confront Calvin. At least on the phone. I throw my phone across the room into a chair and lie down on the couch, finally getting some sleep. I dream about Ed, of course. But it's okay, in the dream, we're together, and we're happy.

(Omg I cried a little while writing this. that's all for now. love you guys and thank you for reading!)