My Secret To Keep

my end

9 days

It's been a while of being ' normal ' , these pills I have saved up seem to call out to me with their colours and their feeling in my hands , but I did it before , I know I can do it again . I placed them back in the belittle bag and put them back where I hid them . I have to be patient . just 9 days left ....

It's the afternoon , and i'm eating my snack . i can feel myself calculating every bite , every piece . but i ignore them , bite, chew , swallow . if that's what it took for be to take my life into my own hands , then i'll do it .

7 days

Everything is ready. The pills , the plan , I have been so good that i managed to get myself a one day leave , and on the day I needed it too . a part of me feels anxiety , but i mostly feel calm , peaceful , happy , happy that i'll finally stop feeling like this everyday , happy that i'll be gone .

I go through my day like a robot , morning vitals , weight in , meds , hiding them , writing , eating , therapy , drawing , eating , therapy , reading , eating , visits , eating , sleeping , again. I wait patiently , ticking the days in my mind , my body on auto - pilot until I finally reach the end.

5 days

16 pills , that's how much i have saved , and by the last day i'll have nearly 30 , which is enough for me , not the best i could do , but it's not the worst .

My mom has been visiting me every now and then , and honestly , I hate it. I can't even look her in the face knowing what I did , but mostly I can't look her in the face knowing what I'll do . so instead , i don't , i turn on the tv and pretend to watch it to
Gether . she doesn't say anything , and I know it's because she feels the same way , she feels the same tension , same barrier . So we sit in silence , pretending to watch this show about people happily walking around , wondering if we will ever be this way again , normal .

3 days

I'm tired . so tired , but I have to stay strong and keep going , just three more days to go .
I decide to sleep for most of the day, risking one day of less than perfect behaviour ,hoping you won't affect my plan . Sleeping has always been an escape for me . It's like dying, but it's not dying , so I choose to sleep instead of feeling any of my feelings.
a few more hours to go , just a few more and then the day will finally end .

zero days

I wake up , doing everything I have to and heading into the bathroom , wearing clothes over my pj's hoping no one will notice. I put the small bag of fill in my pocket before putting on a black outfit with white baggy pants . and I take my bag , the one I packed for the day with water and a couple of papers with words I want to say but never could , my final goodbye .I waited patiently until a nurse came in and her badge said Alice , she has blonde hair and greenish eyes and she smiles . " Are you ready already ? " and I nod . A Smile plastered on my face. I leave the floor, my face aching from all the smiling I don't want to do .

I know that no matter how hard I try , I'll always feel this way , just like no matter how nice I try to be , I'll always be the villain in everyone's story.

I head inside the mall , feeling empty as I walk into the bathroom and lock the door , visions and memories swimming in my head as I slowly break down , crying silently . I take out the bag and slowly hold the pills , swallowing them with water one by one .