the relationship between memories and emotions are funny. emotions create memories, memories provoke emotions, and when there's reminiscence, emotions can warp the memory into a different tone. the memories we carry with us are our main influencers. they dictate how we see situations, see others, and see ourselves. in a perfect world, we'd only carry the bright and sunny emotions and leave the darkness behind.
but this is far from a perfect world.
tsukishima used to be a bright and bubbly kid, full of life and hope. he saw the good in everyone and was always glad to interact with other kids. he remembers playing soccer and tag with the neighborhood kids, laughing with no care in the world.
those kids hated me. they took pity on me.
he remembers cooking curry and baking shortcakes with his father. all the love being put into every dish with care in the ingredients. being patted on the back by his father, appointing pride from the elder.
he left us. he left me. without one word.
he remembers being over at his cousin's house. he, akiteru, and his three cousins would be playing with dinosaur toys and running around with nerf guns like they were in call of duty. his uncle had always entertained their games, portraying a walking zombie ready to attack. his uncle always had a certain fascination with tsukishima. he was always around, especially after he lost his father. he spent extra time with him to talk, and to play.
you used me. you grabbed my soul for your own.
by the time he was 12 years old, tsukishima knew his childhood was irreconcilable. that day he lost himself but never wanted to admit it. kei had lost his light.
like a hermit crab, he found a new shell to shelter himself. a harder one. a larger one to help carry his baggage and store it out of sight. a shell with a small opening so very few people can see inside. it was better for him. it had gotten him this far.
his memories became too much, and his emotions were overflowing. his shell had cracked, and the image he had maintained for the last four years was now distorted.
***
tsukishima curled up in his bed and stared at his blank phone screen, embracing the loneliness in the pit of his stomach. kuroo had to go back to tokyo to go back to school. his week of playing hooky had come to an end. they were back to their usual long-distance routine, which heavied his heart.
he damn near begged kuroo not to leave. of course, not with words. tsukishima was like a leech holding onto its prey before kuroo stepped on the train. though he savored the moments he had with kuroo, he was ashamed. he hadn't seen kuroo in person since before the school year started, and the one chance he got to see him was when he felt at an all-time low. he got to hug him, kiss him, to finally embrace him, and in the end, he just felt like he constantly disappointed him.
tsukishima picked up his phone and opened his messages. still no text from kuroo. he must not have gotten back to tokyo yet. knowing kuroo, tsukishima assumed he fell asleep on the train or his phone died. though he had probable cause, it didn't stop his anxious thoughts from spiraling out of control. all sorts of what-ifs filled his brain.
tsukishima:
i hope you got home safe.
i miss you.
delivered 19:34
tsukishima groaned and threw his arm behind him. he didn't expect it to smack against the corner of his bedside table. he winced in pain and looked at his arm, noticing a long cut across his forearm.
YOU ARE READING
empty ~ kurotsuki
Fanfiction"the secret is to just be empty." his reflection looms over him as if it were a giant wave waiting to devour him. he feels the noose of his subconscious grow tighter, suffocating him with the voices of dysmorphia. as it tightens, his control begins...
