Severing Ties (Book 2. Ties)

21. Penance

Stephanie stared at me like I had admitted to murder. I looked away from her heavy gaze. "Stop looking at me like that," I mumbled nervously.

"Let me get this straight. You had sex with your ex-boyfriend. You had sex for the first time with someone who you are no longer dating and is currently in Canada!" The more she spoke, the louder the tone of her voice got. But instead of answering, I simply shrugged my shoulders. I knew I had made a mistake, but I still could not make myself regret what I had done. How could I regret something that had felt so good?

She continued with her onslaught of investigation. "Why, Mackenzie? This is not you."

That was true; I did not feel like the same girl. After the ever eventful New Year's Eve into the New Year celebration, Nash and I had repeated our feverous activities at his condo the past week before he had to leave again for his work trip. "I wanted to do it," I told my best friend.

In response, she gasped. "What happened to you?"

Deep down I felt like I could have cried, but I pushed that feeling all the way inside. She had sex with her boyfriend; her judgement seemed unjustified regarding my decisions. "Tamonash loves me. I can envision a future with him."

We were sitting on her bed with a bowl filled with Twizzlers, M&M's, and chocolate covered blueberries. Steph sat with her legs crossed Indian style. Her face was a reflection of disapproval and accusation. "Do you love him?"

My gaze avoided her knowing eyes. "I like him a lot." I could not lie to her.

She breathed out in frustration. "Look, the only reason I am making a big deal about this is because it's you we're talking about here. If it was any other girl, sex would be a whatever topic. Everyone has sex, but you and I have had conversations about our beliefs, and one of yours was that sex should be saved for love."

I laid down and closed my eyes. "I changed my mind," I mumbled through clenched teeth.

My response was not enough for little Miss Nancy Drew. No, she had to continue probing. "Why?"

"Stop asking questions, Stephanie," I whined.

"No! What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just tell me what runs in your head?" Her voice yelled in frustration and misery. I could not take it anymore; her voice threw me off the cliff because I knew I was hurting her. I did not want to hurt someone who had become so special to me over time. To some it seemed like a miniscule amount of time, but the girl sitting next to me was such a big part of my life, and her voice cracking sent me over the edge of emotion.

I sat up faster than the shot of gun being fired. "Everything is wrong! All I want to do is forget about Levi, but I can't dammit! If I knew falling in love was going to leave me so bitter, I would have avoided Levi at all costs. If God exists, why has my life been filled with so much... With sadness, betrayal, and disappointment? Why would a loving god allow bad things to happen? Why!"

I paused for an instant to catch my breath. "Tamonash had been the best distraction I had in a long time. And if having sex was going to keep him at my side, I would have done it. Oh wait, I did have sex with him. And where did that leave me? I am still there, alone and missing another part of me. If I was incomplete before him, after Nash I am even lesser of a person. But, I do not blame him a single bit; I am the guilty one."

Stephanie quickly got out of bed. "Get your shoes and coat," she commanded.

The glaze that had covered my eyes from my rant, went away because of the uncertainty regarding Stephanie's instructions. "Why?"

"We're going out," she said with short words.

"Where," I asked.

"Just c'mon, please."