finding the stars- hawk x female reader

chapter 7

TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM

"It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore. And yet I cannot let it go. I cannot let it go."

-Sylvia Plath

You know that feeling in your gut when you know something bad is about to happen?

Yeah. That awful feeling that stabs you in the stomach and twists your guts around to deepen the excruciating hurt.

That terrible, terrible feeling when your heart aches and your head pounds with the repeating words, "stupid, stupid, stupid."

Iris was feeling that pain as she stood in the corner of the hallway watching as Yasmine and her gang laughed at her.

It was almost like she was watching herself in a movie. She knew how these scene went. She knew what was coming, yet she could do nothing to prevent it.

She didn't expect to bump into them accidentally.

She didn't mean to accidentally spill Yasmine's scalding latte on the ground.

But when she heard Yasmine shriek and curse that her expensive outfit was almost ruined, the red headed girl knew she was in deep shit.

From the corner of her eyes she could see Moon biting her lip.

Was she pitying the girl before her?

Or was pretending to like her at the store so long ago all a facade?

"It was an accident, Yasmine.." She heard the brunette from beside her mumble into the blondes ear. She didn't know who she was, Demetri never got this far on the run down of the students in their grade.

Yasmine didn't seem to let up- instead the brunette's words pissed her off even more.

"An accident, Sam? I don't think so."

Iris groaned, "It really was an accident, I wouldn't purposefully spill hot coffee."

"That sounded real believable."

Iris narrowed her eyes. She did not think that people like Yasmine truly existed. Things were much different back in Canada.

Of course there are mean people everywhere, and of course back home there were tons of assholes; but in the Canadian schools, no one really made much of a fuss in public. It was usually just online or after school. But this. Iris did not expect it one bit.

As Yasmine went on and on about how expensive her clothes were and how the expensive latte she waited in a 20 minute line for- could have ruined it; Iris tuned them out completely.

She tugged on the sleeves of her thick sweater and wished she was back at home.

Everything was different here. Everything was different and yet the same.

Iris thought she could escape the bullying. She thought things would be different, but she was just a fool for thinking that way.

"Why are you even wearing those ugly sweaters? It is like 90 degrees outside."

Yasmine's voice cut through her thoughts and Iris just shrugged.

"As nice as it was, listening to you speak, I should get to class."

Yasmine scoffed and grabbed Iris's arm as she attempted to walk by. Iris winced at the contact. The skin underneath her sweater ached and Iris quickly pulled away, looking at the blonde girl with wide eyes.

Yasmine just looked at her weirdly and mumbled, "don't forget who you're messing with."

But Iris did not look at her again. Instead, she just pulled her arms into her body and quivered, rushing to the nearest restroom.

Her docs thudded against the floor beneath her as she pushed the bathroom door open and took solace in an empty stall.

Iris let out a few shaky breaths and tugged up her sleeves.

She turned her forearms over and looked at the new damage.

The new cuts were like bandages over the old ones.

She craddled her arms as a poor attempt to soothe the pain that Yasmine's grip caused.

But it didn't work, no attempts could make her forget the damage that she caused herself.

I am everything that has happened. All time does it pass, and all I do it remember.

༶•༶•༶

"Iris! You're still in bed!?" Sabrina barged into Iris's room and threw off the comforter that was draped across her daughter's body.

Iris just groaned and buried her head into the pillow beside her.

"I'm sick."

"You are not sick!" Sabrina put her hand on the red-headed's forehead and took it away with a roll of her eyes.

"We need to leave in half and hour! It is rude to be late."

Iris furrowed her brows beneath the pillow. She had no clue what her mother was talking about.

"What?"

Sabrina sighed and placed her hands on her hips, "It's friday love, have you forgotten we are going to the Moskowitz'?"

Iris practically jumped out of bed.

She had completely forgotten that it was friday.

After the events that happened earlier in the week, she had been in a slum, rotting in bed whenever she could.

"Go take a shower." Sabrina said, beginning to make the bed Iris just jumped out of.

"Are you saying I smell?"

"You said it not me!"

The pair smiled at each other and Iris rushed to get in the shower.

She hadn't felt this much excitement since she bought Kiki.

Soon enough, the shower smelled of strawberries and coconut, and Iris felt better. Better than she had all week. It was funny how such a small task began to become so daunting. Iris was used to that heavy feeling though. Things were starting to feel heavy again, and she didn't know if she could stop it on her own this time.

But those were thoughts for another day.

Today, she would put on a happy face and enjoy the night.

After deciding on an outfit for almost ten minutes, Iris decided on a dark floral dress with her sheer black tights underneath and a light cotton sweater on top.

She looked at herself in the mirror. Her curls were starting to dry and her makeup was fresh on her face.

She thought she actually looked quite nice. Although a part of her, very deep down inside, wished she could just wear the dress plain; without having to cover up with a sweater.

But that was the price you have to pay when you have betrayed yourself.

All for nothing.