From Everything That Was (Till Everything That Will Be)

Louis (Present)

Did some things you can't speak of
But at night you live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then
- Innocent, Taylor Swift

It was bound to happen. Louis had for a while let more and more slip, giving himself more and more to Harry, talking in riddles to try and explain himself. Trying to explain his actions but not spilling the truth.

But this.

This was Louis' worst nightmare.

Listen very closely, Louis. You're not ever going to mention this to anyone.

Well, second worst.

The worst was the shadow of a man he had known for years pressing him down. Taking, taking, taking.

The minute the words fell from his lips, reality returned to his eyes. Harry was before him. His Harry. Not his worst nightmare whose name had just fallen from his lips. A word that made Harry's whole expression change and Louis could practically see the wheels turn around inside Harry's head as he tried to work it out. Louis couldn't stand this. He couldn't be here.

No one. Could. Know.

Louis' skin was crawling and before Harry could get a word out, he fled the bed. He was still naked, and in a hurry, he picked up his clothes from the floor.

"Louis, what are you doing?" Harry asked bewildered.

Louis' breaths came in ragged puffs. His hands were shaking as he pulled back on his trousers.

"I'm going home."

"Wait, what?" Harry got out of the bed and scurried to stand in front of Louis. "What are you on about, baby?"

"I just need to get home."

Cautiously, Harry raised his hands to place them on Louis' shoulders. Louis' whole body tensed, but he didn't flinch away. "Louis, why did you think I was Patrick? Why did you say not to touch you?"

Louis stepped back as he pulled back on his shirt. "Doesn't matter. I'm going home. Now."

"Sweetheart," Harry brokenly let out as he followed Louis into the hallway. "Stay. Talk to me."

Louis shook his head and quickly put on his shoes. "I can't."

"You can't or you won't?" Harry stepped closer again, but Louis backed away.

"I need to go," was all Louis said. "I can't be here." He turned toward the door.

"Louis," Harry practically sobbed. "Stay. Please, I beg you. I love you."

Louis paused just as he was about to press the handle down. He remembered their perfect day, the bookshop, the three words, people watching. And he remembered his dream. The most vivid one in a while.

He remembered what had triggered it.

Can I make love to you?

Louis was stupid to think that he could keep on living in his own silly little fantasy. Of course, he had to go and spoil it all. How would he very be capable of looking at Harry the same way again?

What if Harry knew?

He wasn't stupid. Louis knew the man could put two and two together.

Louis couldn't bear it. He pressed down the handle and left without a word.

* * *

Louis called in sick Monday morning. He wasn't ready to have to face Harry. Not yet. Not ever. He was ashamed of himself. Had he not been so scared he would've woken up in the arms of the man he loved.

Instead, he woke up on his couch where he had broken down. When he woke up, it was to Zayn and Clifford standing by his side.

"You look rough," Zayn said. "Wanna talk about it?"

Louis shook his head. "No."

Zayn sighed. "Never talks about a damn thing. It isn't healthy, Louis."

"Go away."

Zayn left. Louis knew that he in a few weeks would return to try and knock some sense into Louis. Louis wasn't sure he would succeed this time.

He turned his phone off all day and never frayed from the couch and Clifford's cuddles. He didn't want anything to do with the world around him.

He ate a bunch of ice creams. He cried a lot of tears. He downed a bottle of wine.

"I ruined it," Louis sobbed into Clifford's fur. "What if he knows? What if he finally sees how disgusting I am?"

Clifford didn't have an answer.

* * *

The following day, Louis got dressed. He was slightly hungover, but he was going to work. He couldn't put it off. He would just have to not cast a single glance as Harry. He could do it. He had to do it.

He grasped his suitcase and got in his car. His fingers clutched the wheel as he drove.

The parking lot was full when he got there, and he realised there only was five minutes till his first class. He hurried out of the car and into the school building. He walked straight past Liam, ignoring his greeting of "Hey."

Louis was there again.

Push everyone away.

His mind was a splattered wine glass on a carpet floor. 

He entered the class and faked a smile. "Good morning, students! I'm back. Who's ready for Math?"

None of the students seemed ready. They would just have to survive. Like Louis.

* * *

For the first time ever, Louis spent his lunch in the teacher's room. Away from Harry. He still hadn't seen him, hadn't even gone near their office. He wasn't even sure if Harry was at work.

He ate his sandwich, trying not to let his eyes land on other people. He remembered when he and Harry had met in this exact room back in September. He had been so surprised. He had also been scared.

It was bound to happen.

Louis was so, so idiotic to think he of all people could make something pure work out with Harry. Wherever he went he caused sadness, anger, trouble. He blamed Zayn for this. It was Zayn that planted the idea in his head that this could work.

Liam landed in the seat next to him.

"Hey, Louis. You alright?"

"Fine," Louis said shortly. His hands were trembling slightly. Go away, he thought. I bring nothing but misery and hurt.

"You don't look fine," Liam noted. "Neither does Harry. He's in your office. Did you guys have a fight?"

Louis tightened his jaw. "What did he tell you?"

"Nothing," Liam said. "He just looked very sad and upset. I figured something happened between the two of you."

Louis ground his teeth. "I don't need you to be my therapist, Payne."

Now Liam looked agitated too. "Well, you very clearly need one." He stood up abruptly. "I love you, mate, and I only want the best for you, but you can't keep pulling people to you to only push them away." He spoke lowly so none of the other teachers could hear. "Is this some kind of game to you? Do you love to see the people around you suffer?"

No one cared to notice mine, the dark corners of Louis' mind whispered.

"Don't worry about getting pulled in again," sneered Louis and stood up. "I'm fine. And you guys are fine without me as well. Now excuse me, I have a class to teach." He shouldered his way past Liam and out of the teacher's room.