poems

the first time

*********************SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING**********************************

The first time I heard a Justin Bieber song I was 8 years old. I was hanging out with this girl from school because we lived in the same apartment complex. She was a major Justin Bieber fan and was shocked that I'd never heard of him.  She showed me some of his music and we had something to talk about when we rode the bus in the mornings. The first time I met my dog I was 9. It was a few weeks before Valentine's Day and she came home, it was a surprise for me and my brother. The first time I moved schools I was 10. My dad had enrolled me and my brother in a new district and I was terrified, yet excited. The first time I had been made fun of I was 11. Some kids made fun of me because I had good grades and said I was a nerd. The first time I had a sleepover with a friend I was 12. It was my birthday and in celebration of that, I got to pick one friend to stay over. The first time I had a crush I was 13, there was this cute guy in my grade and I thought I had a shot. I didn't. 

The first time I hurt myself I was 14. Someone who was supposed to be there as a parental role model got in my face and said I was stupid and that I wasn't going anywhere in life, and I believed them. That pain didn't go away, and it didn't stop either. If anything, it got worse with them. I also got into my first fight when I was 14. The person I considered my best friend turned on me, and we got into this nasty argument that lasted for months. They told me within this time to kill myself. So, I tried. I failed thankfully, but I still found myself trying when life was too much. 

The first time I got high I was 15. I was at a friend's house and they offered, and being a stupid fifteen-year-old, I said yes. I went to her house more and more and bought my own things because I felt horrible without it. I also got into my first toxic relationship at 15. They made me feel amazing at first until they got control of me, and so many people tried to warn me. but honestly, what fifteen-year-old listens? We broke up months later and kept in contact for months until we got tied up in our feelings and ended up talking. 

The first time I was in a situationship I was 16. It was with my ex, yes, the same one from when I was 15. We started talking again and realized we still had feelings for each other. I was also sexually assaulted for the first time when I was 16. The same person was at my house and we were getting high, and they came onto me. I don't remember much from that day, and maybe it's because I was high out of my mind, or because I repressed it, but I remember saying that I wasn't sure, and they guilt-tripped me and begged me until I finally gave in, and even then, I remember being so uncomfortable. When I talked to them about it later, they said "Oh well everyone is uncomfortable the first time, it's normal". Maybe it is, I don't know, but I don't think you're supposed to feel scared to say "No, stop", just because you're scared of what they'd do. 

The first time I found out that it's possible to be happy and depressed at the same time I was 17. I was happy with a few people, and then I'd be depressed alone. and if you're reading this, maybe you're thinking "Damn, she's had a rough life." You'd be right, but also realize that this isn't even half of it all. There's so much more to my story, and yeah, I've been through a lot, but I'm capable of so much more. My past doesn't define me and the same is true for anyone out there. What you do and how you let events change you is your decision. I realized that for the first time as I was writing my story. 

Authors Note: hey y'all! There's a lot of information in this story and it can be very triggering. But please note that this is my life, and there's more, but the rest is somehow worse than this and I don't feel comfortable putting it online.