If Only You Knew

5 - Shattered Betrothal

June 18th 1874 - Whitehall Manor, Northern Europe

I arranged my chocolate curls loosely around my shoulders, smiling to myself as the grandfather clock in the corner of my room ticked closer to 9pm. The candle flames flickered around me as I sat on the edge of my huge bed, watching the curtains to my balcony swaying in the warm summer breeze. I ran my hands over the fabric of my plain white gown as I waited. 

I stood and quickly checked my bedroom door was locked as the grandfather clock struck the hour and I walked over to the curtains, pushing out onto the balcony. I looked over the edge, leaning on the stone railing as I watched Jonathan come through the bushes, looking up at me. 

"Good evening, Alice," he gazed up at me, a smile spreading across his lips.

"Good evening, Jonathan," I lean over the railing, smiling at him as my hair falls around my face. "Are you going to come up?"

"I thought you'd never ask my dear," he raises an eyebrow before quickly beginning to scale one of the pillars holding up my balcony and I lean on the railing, waiting for him.

Jonathan climbs over the railing with the grace of a cat and walks over to me quickly. He wears a pair of black riding pants and boots, and a loose white shirt. As soon as he's near me, he wraps his arms around me and leans his forehead against mine. 

I smile and close my eyes, breathing him in. His familiar smell of crushed pine needles and velvet. I relax and just let myself spiral into him. I find comfort in him, as if I've come home after a long day out horse riding, or at a luncheon. I entwine my arms around his neck and bury my face in his neck, the warmth comforting me as his breath tickles my ear.

"How are you, my dear?" He mutters into my hair, his voice soft as silk and smooth as polished stone. 

"I'm fine, what about you?" I pull my face out of his neck to answer, but keep my arms around him.

"Better now," he smiles cheekily and kisses me lightly and quickly, before meeting my gaze.

His deep brown eyes meet mine and I smile slightly as he smiles back, we stay like that for a moment before I speak. "Should we go inside?"

"Alright," he takes me hand and leads me inside, through my swaying curtains as my hair blows in the breeze swirling all around us.

The candle light casts a pale golden glow over everything, including us as he pulls me into his arms and spins me around.

We dance in time with ourselves for so long that I lose count. I lean against his chest, his arms around me, holding me close. We turn in endless circles, just happy to be together. His cheek rests against the top of my head and he kiss my hair occasionally. 

"We're going to get married you know," his voice is soft and quiet in the silent house, everyone else is asleep. 

"I know we are, as soon as I turn 18," I mumble into his chest, but he can hear me just fine.

"And then we'll always be together, and we'll have kids and we'll never be apart," he plants a kiss on top of my head before holding me tighter, his cheek on my hair once again.

"Sounds perfect," I smile widely, leaning up to kiss him lightly and quickly as the grandfather clock strikes 11 o'clock.

"I should go, Alice," he smiles down at me, brushing my hair behind my ears, holding my face gently for a minute before kissing my nose. Quick, but caring. "I'll see soon."

I nod, smiling , and watch as he walks outside through my curtains, closing the doors to stop the breeze coming in. I quickly climb into bed and lay down, my hair spreading around me as I stare at the ceiling, smiling wildly. I pull the quilt over me, rubbing the material between my figures and dreaming of forever.

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November 11th, 1874 - Whitehall Gardens, Northern Europe

Forever never came for Jonathan and I. I was there, watching, when he received the invitation to my funeral. I endured the screaming, the crying, the breaking of a few furniture items. I remember him kneeling on the ground, hit his head on the floor, slicing his palm open on a broken mirror as he cried.

He screamed at the ceiling, wishing someone could answer his prayers, bring me back. Back to him. But I could never come home. Never come back to him. And of course, I was with him at my funeral.

He stood in his best black suit, hair combed back, his eyes sad and tired. November 11 1874 was the worst day of his life, he called it later. But I don't know if it was or not. He never took off the chain around his neck, a gift and a promise from me. 

The service went for hours, as it was for my parents and Scarlette as well. Jonathan's facade did not falter once. Even during the viewing.

My chocolate curls had been arranged around my head and over my shoulders as I lay, my face stony and gray, losing colour already. I'd been dressed in a golden gown, plain and simple with Jonathan's locket still around my neck, perfectly polished and arranged. 

He'd gazed down at me, his facade only faltering for a moment, the sadness and hurt showing in his eyes for a split second before he composed himself. His hand lightly touching my frozen one, but he quickly walked away to the corner of the garden, next to Frederick.

"Hello Jonathan," Freddy had his hands clasped behind his back as he looked over at Jonathan.

"Hello Frederick," Jonathan kept his expression as blank as possible, but his voice was strong.

"Are you alright, Jonathan?" Freddy lowered his voice and stepped closer to Jonathan. "Your outburst earlier worried me."

"We were supposed to be married," he looked at my brother, meeting Freddy's gaze with his stony own. "Did you know that?"

"No, I didn't know, did my father?" Frederick shifts his gaze to father's casket before turning his attention to Jonathan.

"No, I was going to ask after her birthday dinner," he smiles slightly in the memory of our planning. "She wanted to as well."

"I'm sure she did Jonathan, you meant a lot to my little sister." Freddy tries to say something reassuring, but it comes out as kind of awkward.

"I loved her Frederick," Jonathan meets my brother's gaze, his eyes shining. "I love her."

Freddy puts a strong hand on Jonathan's shoulder in support, and I watch a single tear fall down my lover's cheek. He seems broken, like he's snapped. He seems shattered.

"We wanted our ever after," Jonathan's expression breaks as my world shattered.