'Turn your head and let us go, I'll learn to breathe on my own.'
When pursuing dreams trumps love, soulmates are forced to separate on bad terms but there'll forever be something tying the memory of their love to Lennon Elliot, two small versions o...
♫ Guilty Conscience- Tate McRae Home- One Direction You Are My Sunshine- The Hound + The Fox You should see me in a crown- Billie Eilish ♫
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☀︎ February 2016☀︎
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Ever since I returned to my hotel after life-altering revelations, I felt like an entirely different person.
I hadn't been prepared to learn such heavy news, I'd woken up that morning believing it to be a day to simply rekindle the lost friendship with the girl who consumed my childhood. Buying her coffee and muffins unaware I'd watch two copies of me and Aoife devour the tasty treat before she flipped my world upside down with her gentle voice in her kitchen.
I'm a father of two.
Arwen stopped our conversation short, I didn't get a chance to ask any more questions but I could tell from the expression on my previous lover's face that she wasn't quite ready for anything more, simply telling me had drained her to the extremes.
I wanted to know so much, I was so curious about the children we shared. I felt like I was trying to learn so much about them through purely watching them, playing with their toys, and having short conversations seeing as they are only three.
Even though I spent the whole day with the children who shared my last name, everything felt surreal. I couldn't comprehend what I had been told, if they didn't share my eyes I don't know much I'd believe my paternal relation to them but Aoife wouldn't lie, especially not about something as important as her kids.
She's a good mother, I could tell that after only a few minutes of being around her. The kids are lucky to have her, even when we were younger I knew she'd have made an amazing mother again — she proved my thoughts with ease.
But I couldn't stop thinking about how much I had missed. I missed the pregnancy, birth, milestones, birthdays, watching them grow- the guilt was drastically heightened, to the point it made me sick to my stomach.
I wonder if she has any pictures, I wonder if she has stories she'd share with me, or even ultrasounds from when she was pregnant. I missed out on my children growing up, their first steps and words, holding them for the first time as tiny babies recently born, and watching the woman I love giving birth.
I couldn't sleep last night thinking about everything I'd missed. I'd brought it upon myself, I couldn't blame anyone but me. I cried over it. Over everything I'd missed and destroyed not only for Aoife but also the kids, they didn't deserve to be born with their father absent, they didn't ask to be born into the shitshow I'd caused for their mother.
