The TRUE story of baxxy waxxy faxxy

The battle

Bax stood alone in the middle of a roundabout for some reason (the road not the playground)
He sighed and looked up toward the sky, his elderly features highlighted by the setting august sun. His electrical blue orbs were safely behind a pair of sunglasses. He didn't feel like accidentally blinding another kid today. He looked around himself and sighed.
They were all gone now... every Elliott Smith fan besides himself. He had stared into their soul like all blue eye blonde hair people do, and they had disintegrated on the spot.
But his journey wasn't over yet.. no. He still had unfinished business..
Or someone did. He turned around on the balls of his feet to see his "Mother" Eminem standing right behind him. Eminem looked tired and worn out, his hair was extremely long for some reason and he had a very long beard, all of which were bleach blonde. In his hand he carried an mp3 player which Bax looked nervously at.
"The time has come.." Eminem rasped, "for you to pay for what you did to my sugar shitten kitten.. " and before Bax could react Eminem began to play the happiest music ever conceived. It was a mix of happy birthday, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands, head shoulders knees and toes and fluffing a duck.
Bax doubled down in pain.. the music... it was too.... Happy. He could only listen to the most depressing music of them all: Elliott smith.
He started to mumble.. "drink.. up.. baby.. stay up.. all night."
Eminem gasped.. the Elliott smith power was growing...
And all too late he noticed Kaveh walking past
"NAUUUUUUUR" he yelped in a gruff, Australian accent (for he was secretly an Aussie)
He ran up to Kaveh and pushed him out of the way.. but it was too late to save himself. The depressing Elliott smith power had built up. He looked back at Bax and he had become an eldritch horror, his wrinkles even more pronounced in the sad lighting.
Eminem lay gasping on the floor..
"My own child. My elderly Benjamin button child. How dare thee?" He coughed
Bax did not say anything. Instead he looks forlornly into the distance.
His husband, Charlie Chaplin was off doing whatever British people do, which is dipping their pinky fingers in tea and saying "golly gee." , and would not be back for a while
Bax looked down at Eminem's crumpled figure before realising something was off. His hair was.. peeling off??? He walked up to Eminem, and peered at it before realising..

It was a wig!!
He took Eminem's wig off and it revealed a shiny bald head..
He took Eminem's fake beard off and it revealed a very pointy nose..
He took a step back before realising.

Eminem was Gru all along. His own mother was Felonious Gru, the greatest villain of them all. Bax fell to his knees. How could he ever forgive himself?