Yours

🩶Cold weather 🤍

I rush to get ready, the bus runs soon and it's freezing outside. I just end up shoving everything in my bag, and running out the door to meet Lilian. I don't know what to call Lilian, I would say my girlfriend but she's a different person every day. One day I'm her everything the next I'm a stranger. It's a constant cycle of her ghosting me then saying how I'm everything. It's honestly so tiring but she's just in a bad mood right? I go outside and it's just starting to snow, I meet up with Lilian, it's still pitch black outside. She smiles and hugs me, I feel a wave of relief to know she's in a good mood today, the last thing I needed was her to be in a bad mood and ghost me again. I hugged her back, "Anna did you bring a jacket? It's literally snowing-" ohhhhh that's what I forgot. "Oh yeah of Course I did!" I feel her sigh and she takes the jacket off her  waist and hands it to me. "Dumbass." "Hey I was in a rush", "in 9° weather?" "Yes actually" she hugs me again. "Jesus, be glad you have me."
     The bus pulls up to the stop and I follow her to the back seat, I lean my head against her shoulder and watch out the window. She hands me one of her earbuds and shuffles her playlist to a random song. I could hear slight chatter in the background, the two 4 year old girls were planning a playdate and I smile and wave at them. Rest just a bunch of  teenagers on their phones, I open mine to text back my friends:
Synthia🫶🏻: "Can we meet up at Lunch? I wanna go to Starbucks lol"
Anna<3: "Sure, only if I can control the aux though"
    No offense to Synthia but her music taste would get us kicked out of school and I don't wanna risk that quite yet-
Synthia🫶🏻: "FINEEEEEEE, OK CYA MY MOMS YELLING AT ME TO HURRY UP-"
Anna<3: "OK BYEEEEE"
      I laugh in my head, and turn my focus back to Lilian who just seems to be watching the window. The bus pulls into the parking lot, and I say bye to Lilian and head over to my locker. We are pretty early so I go ahead and fix my makeup and fill my water bottle, I walk into the first class. Only a guy in the back who is deep into a book, I wave but he doesn't notice so I just walk over to my desk and do the rest of my homework. I felt a tap on my shoulder and see Emily "Hey!" "Hey! Morning" "Morning, do you have the homework for science I got tied up with Leo" "Yeah here you go, and what happened with Leo?" I hand her the notes, and she takes them, "So remember how we broke up?" I nod my head, they were on and off constantly I can't say anything cause I do the same thing with Lilian, but it hurts to see how her heart gets broken every time he leaves. "Yeah well he bought me flowers, and brought me my favorite candy...so I let him come back" "Emily..." "I know it's bad but he was out in the pouring rain asking for forgiveness" I pat her on the back, "He said I looked so pretty and that I missed his calls" I saw the sad look in her eyes, i could tell she was trying to tell her self he's changed. "He's right you are so pretty, but your also really kind and thoughtful, and way too good for him, you deserve more than him" she stays silent for a second before asking, "Do you feel hopeless with Lilian, like she has control over your every move?" I think about it for a second, "yeah, you feel that way?" She nods, I hug her, "He won't be able to control you forever, the next time he comes to your door just slam the door in his face ok?" "Yeah I will! Thanks!" I nod and she hands me the notes back. I hate Leo, every time Emily forgives him he just goes and cheats on a girl who won't ever care about him. I don't understand how he could do that, why risk someone who loves you so much for a one time thing that means nothing?
    The class starts and soon all 5 classes pass, and it's finally time to meet up with Synthia. I get into the passenger seat next to Synthia who was on the phone with what seemed to be her bf. After a minute she hangs up and hands me the aux, "Heyyyyyyy" "Heyyyyy, how was school" "Like hell got called to the office twice" She drives out the parking lot, "Twice-?" "Yeah because I was threatening to fight the teachers again" "What did the teachers do to you" "That I was just lazy for not doing my homework and I needed to start working harder and I was telling her something was going on and she said it didn't matter? So I said 'Unless you want to fight I suggest you shut up because it does matter' " I just kinda sat there silent for a moment, not exactly knowing what to say to that. Synthia is the girl who does not take any shit, she's nice but she doesn't let anyone walk over her yk? "How much trouble are you in?" "Suspensed for 3 days so don't tell them you went with me" "i wont- oh wait damn thats 3 lunches I have to spend alone" "Girl its 3 day's" "yeah 3 whole days of spending lunch with strangers cause all my friends are 2nd Lunch" "Make new friends, they aint gotta be permanent" "Ok ok, I will" "Just be nice and it should be fine" "Since when was i not nice?" She gave me a look, when Synthia talks she always flips her hair, girl has alot of hair all the way to her knees and she talks with her hands and slaps her thighs all dramatic like. Makes everything feel that much more Chaotic- "Ok I'll be nice" "Good now your usual?" "Yep"
                       -end of the day-
     I walk over to Lilian's locker and hug her and automatically all my energy just came back, "Hey, you coming over tonight?" "Yep!" She hugs back "Ok come on" and we get on the bus to go home, and I walked with her to her house, "Hey mom" "Hello, and hey Anna! How's your mother?" "She's doing good!" "Tell her that I have this new recipe she has to try!" "I will!"
    As normal Lilian's room is perfectly organized, Lilian's always calm and organized and on the other hand I'm more dramatic and I'm not messy just not as organized as her. Like seriously not a single thing is out of place in her room, and she is very non emotional, I don't think I've ever seen her cry or even be slightly mad-. I mean she seems annoyed, or disturbed but not mad. "What homework do you have?" She asks hanging her bag up, "did all mine in class" and I put mine next to the door grabbing my phone, "Can I copy it then" "Okay" I hand her the folder, "Can I draw on your arm?" "Go for it" So she lays on the floor copying my work and I draw Stickman and hearts on her arm, it feels nice to just genuinely hang out with her, shes always staying to herself or 'not in the mood' which i mean i get it just wish we could talk more."You really like drawing don't you?" "Yes, why wouldn't I? Im giving you tattoos" "Except I can wash it off so that way I don't get kicked out of school" she's talking and I saw her phone light up *new notification from Bella❤️* "Oh Bella just texted you!" She quickly grabs her phone and puts it on dnd, "You're not going to answer her?" "No it doesn't matter" are her and Bella fighting-? I decided to ignore it. I continued to make a little story between two Stickman on her arm with little flowers. When Lilian's phone starts blowing up, I thought she put it on dnd but maybe not? "I think something might be going on, you should probably check that" she just put it on dnd again and left to go grab something. I know I shouldn't check but something tells me I should check. I try to resist but I check the phone and cover my mouth so I didn't accidentally scream. I thought maybe it was just them jokingly flirting for a minute, than I scrolled up further, they weren't joking at all the more I read the worse it got. They were sure as hell not joking. They were talking about me too, apparently this is some kind of joke? I mean me and her, I'm just a joke to her. Bella and her aren't the joke I am. But I thought she loved me? This can't actually be real, check the date. Yeah it's real the dates were all from this week. I also saw her screenshot our texts and send them to her. Almost every time we talked there is a screenshot shared... Not only that but they spent all their time making fun of what I said. I feel my heart start to feel heavy and a pit in my stomach. Well what am I supposed to do? I quickly grab my phone and take pictures of everything, and I hear footsteps coming back so I close Lilian's phone, and slide my phone back into my pocket. "Hey did something happen? You look down" it's taking me everything to not cry, "oh it's nothing!" "Ok then" and she went back to doing her thing, "actually my mom needs me so I'm going to run home! I love you bye!" "Mhm bye" Why didn't she say I love you back, I almost pointed it out but I just left instead. "Hey-" my sister said but at that point I just ran to my room. I open my phone to re read the texts. "I don't actually love her" "Just don't tell her" "Your the one I love not her." I felt all hope that this was just a dream completely fade away. I tried to tell myself I didn't care but that ended fast... I let myself lay in bed and rot for a while. Maybe Bella was the girl she loved. Maybe it was right person wrong time? Should I just let her go? Do I try and fight for her to stay? Is there even a chance of her staying at all? I knew she had her times where she didn't want to be around me. What about me? Why didn't she think about me? I felt tears form... Maybe I should get some help?
      I walk next door to my friends house, I knock on the door. Nicole opens the door, "Aw honey are you okay?" I just start breaking down, she hugs me and brings me inside. She makes me coffee because she knows how much I hate tea. "Honey what happened?" "It's about Lilian..." I feel like right then she knew, Nicole was an older girl in her 50's but she helped take care of me, "She cheated" I give her my phone to see all the screenshots. I watch her face change as she scrolls through my gallery. "Oh honey it'll be alright"
        "I loved her" "There is always someone else to love. One day you will find someone who is your true love. When I was younger the same thing happened to me, but you know what after all that pain and even after I was covered in scars there was still someone who loved me more than anything." "Nicholas?" "Oh yes Nicholas, I loved that man more than anything, after everything else fell apart he never left me. He was always by my side, I didn't need expensive gifts, or anything big to know how much he loved me. Even at his worst moments he never cheated, left, said things that would hurt me. One day you will find someone like that"
      she says. I watch her eyes light up as she talks about Nicholas, I remember him, very nice and a gentleman but he died by being shot a couple years ago. When I visited they were like my parents, I never had the best home life and they were always there when I needed time  away.
    For the longest I thought Lilian was that for me, but the ghosting, the cheating, the lying... That's not a true love. True love's don't leave just because, they don't lie to cover up something embarrassing or to Make them feel better about themselves, a true love doesn't cheat the second there is a better girl in the room. A true love doesn't make you lose your confidence they should build it. "I understand now, maybe she wasn't for me than" "A true love would change for you" "Can you tell me more about Nicholas? Like when you guys first met" I listened to her talk about him for a couple hours. It was calming to listen how happy she was to talk about him. Makes me realize I wasn't happy talking about Lilian, felt like forced. I didn't want to talk about her, it was feelings I wanted to keep to myself.
      I finally went back home and by then I guess my mom realized as well, "I warned you, real love doesn't exist. So stop wasting your time on that and focus on school." I just nodded I wasn't in the mood to fight back. Nothing really is worth trying to convince to her.
    I didn't show up to school the next day, but I didn't just want to rot in bed all day and let myself fade away. So I went out for a run and then I bumped into a girl and her phone fell. I picked it up and handed to her, "I'm so sorry" "No worries! Do I know you?" I mean the girl felt familiar but I don't know her name or where I would have seen her. "I don't think so?" "Oh my name's Rose, you go to the school around here?" "Alianna, and yeah, you?" "Yep! Why aren't you there?-" "skipping-, what about you, you go there too." "OMG same, your so pretty by the way" "Thank you so much! Same to you" "Ok your my best friend now, here add me" and she hands me her snap and I put it my user, and accepted it. "Aren't I stranger?" "Not anymore" "Okay then, hiiiii best friend" "Ok so you have to meet my boyfriend cause he's the you know controlling type" "Should I be scared-?" "Nope the more you're scared the worst it's going to be so just don't be scared at all he's harmless" I stay silent wondering if I should be scared for my life at the moment, "You don't seem very convinced" "I'm not really convinced-" "it's okay I will be right there the whole time!" Yeah no I'm terrified of this guy and I've never met him. "Oh yeah ok I'm not scared!" Im extremely scared actually- "Good! You have a boyfriend?" Oh great back to the exact topic I was trying to avoid, "Eh I'm in a relationship but it's ending any minute now" "oh my bad, sorry about that" "No it's okay, it's not a huge deal" I've lied to this girl several times and I just met her- "Okay then!" And just like that I made a best friend and we were talking about music and fashion things we had in common and it was all smooth sailing till- "Oh! My boyfriend should be back ready to meet him?" No I'm not I'm terrified of this guy and I don't even know his name- "As ready as I'll ever be!"

(Chapter 1 done! I'm so excited for this book, and happy early Valentine's Day!)