ℂ𝕠𝕝𝕝𝕖𝕘𝕖 𝔻𝕣𝕒𝕞𝕒

Felt So Real

Kie

I never knew it could be this way. I knew what it was like to lose something. But losing this hard, letting myself be played. I saw the red flags and I waved them in the wrong direction. I thought it was things I could ignore. I told him how much I loved him. He said he loved me back.

I've never been so wrong.

So this is me, looking the back of my boyfriends head, as he says it was a bet. I had to speak up. I thought my lungs ran out of air. I spoke up before I knew it.

"What?"

JJ whips his head back, his eyes wide. He stares at me. I thought it could have been a joke, but the way he's looking at me now, I realize it isn't.

"JJ, tell me you're lying." I say. I step out of the shadow I casted myself in, and into the light of his world.

"Kie, i- I'm sorry-" JJ starts. I shut him down quickly.

"Don't start with me, Maybank. I hope your goddamn money was worth it."

I push my way out the conversation, leaving them all speechless. I wonder who knew about it while I didn't. I know John B had to have known Who can you trust anymore? Well, I shouldn't assume of anyone knew, because they would've told me. There's no way they knew.

I hear many footsteps behind me and I turn. Sure, a few tears have left my eyes. This all hasn't hit me yet. I feel okay right now. I feel fine.

"Kie, I'm sorry." Sarah says, and I must look confused because she sighs. "We all knew." They all look guilty, but JJ takes the cake.

"Oh."

Is all I manage to say. I bolt out the door. I feel untouchable in a world that's trying to touch me. Nothing can make anything worse. Nothing can. I try to believe it. Yeah no, this is pretty bad. Running into the shared apartment we have, everything finally hits me.

Sarah and Cleo knew. They knew.

Oh my god. Who can I fucking trust?

The man took my first kiss, make out, my virginity, my first "I love you." An "I love you." That I, me, picked out. I chose to say it. I'm such a fool for falling for him. If only the devil wasn't so hot. God, I wanted him. I wanted it to be him. I can't even blame him. I'm so easy to take advantage of. Sue me for caring. Sue me for loving the guy.

I wish I didn't love him. I wish I could stop. But love hurts. I can't make it stop hurting. My heart aches. I cry in the middle of my living room for everything I've lost tonight.

One of those things is my goddamn mind.

I shouldn't love him. I shouldn't want him and crave his touch. But I still need him. I should be angry and upset... but somehow I'm just hurt. I'd still go back to him. I don't know why. I deserve better. I know I do. I'm a good person who go with a bad guy. Fuck, he's probably out there with some other girl. Would that be cheating? Were we ever really together? That would hurt worse than this situation, and that's the worst part.

I'm so tired of losing. I lost it all when I came to college here. Now, I lose everything I've loved so hard, to get to this point? I've reached a low that I never thought could be reached. I wanna hold myself, but it won't match the way JJ held me.

The way I'd stare off into the sunset, my toes buried in the sand. 2 muscular arms gliding across my tan, sunscreen smooth skin. My hands over his arms as I lean back into him. Him keeping us both upright. Kissing my head, reminding me how important I am. Speaking quieter than the crashing waves. I'd giggle and tell him to stop. He'd shake his head and bury it into my shoulder, kissing the inside of my neck. I'd run my hands through his hair, smiling. The gold sunlight shining at us, and the wind picks up. My hair blows in his face and he's grab it and tie it up for me, keeping it out of the way.

It all felt so real.

Everything I feel, love, and know...

Is a lie.

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Woah guess who just posted?! It's me! I don't know how frequent this will be but it's been 5 months. So sorry. I had to reread the whole book and write this. This is lazy writing guys. But! It's something!! I've left you guys hanging for so long so here it is!