i will always love you unfathomably,
unendingly, and unapologetically.
forever yours,
ae.
i thought my parents hated me when they only give a single name. my sister's name is hannah kim, and my brother has an italian one. i only have one— angelica. who would like that? it doesn't suit me at all. especially when paired with the surname i had to carry like a 100 pounds responsibility.
when i was a child, my father trained me to write my name with his surname. i always believe that the name i was forced to write back-to-back on my grader's paper was the one encoded on my legal papers— it wasn't. i confided that to my father, in my eyes he's always right. not until i knew that he used to sell me to my mother. i hated my name even more.
upon knowing that, the respect i have for him faded like the days i used to write my name with his surname. my mother's father took me to their custody. that's when i learned that my name was supposed to be maria angelica. great, i have two names now. like i wouldn't hate myself more.
i continued my studies at the province where my mom grew up. i found out more pictures of her. i have never experienced living with her for so long so the pictures will do. people around me like comparing us, two different woman with two different ideals. and when they got mad, they would call me by my full name— with my father's surname.
i hated that i had to please my mom by killing myself from studying and going to church (she's a church person). though, i don't have enough knowledge about their gods, i was forced to wear a fucking skirt and attend sunday school which i was awarded as the most outstanding student. she's pleased, her god will love her even more.
growing up, i became half daughter, half apology, raised with the wrong kind of love. as a daughter, i have so much empathy for my mother, but as a woman, i have so much rage. same goes to my fool of a father, whose ego are bigger than his dreams.
and i hate to carry them all. i hate to inherit those traits. i hate to see myself with the broken versions of them. i hate that i am the product of their forbidden love. i hate to be the younger version of my mom, and the angrier form of my father. i carry their rage like a fucking legacy.
and then i found out, at this age, my grandma used to call me avian. nothing like the wrath from parents. how delicate, how pure. i loved it. if only i was named that way then maybe i would feel less miserable than ever.
i was her first grandchild after all. i was cherished by them the most more than my cousins, more than my siblings. i don't tell people about avian, she's too important for me to reveal. i want to celebrate her like how my grandma did. she's the inner child enthroned with all the love i have for maria and for angelica. she's the version whose world shouldn't be as harsh as how i have known them. i'd keep her vulnerability and give everything she deserves. and that, i can promise.
