Memoir

Chapter 5: Rainy

Things certainly changed after you got back home. Neither of you knew what to do next, what to say.. both of you lost deep in your own thoughts and fears.

You've never had an affair before, you never dared to even think of doing such a foolish thing and you never would've guessed it would be with one of your husband's men.

Your marriage was dead way before Ran came into the picture, that was clear for you but did it lessen the gravity of your actions?

No. Obviously not.

What you did was all sorts of wrong and you were drowning in guilt. Not because you betrayed Mikey, the one who was never around, the one that knowingly neglected you to the point where it brought you to decide to take your own life..

You felt guilty because you enjoyed it. You felt guilty for wanting more.

Ran on the other hand was facing his own issues. He was fighting this new sensation he found himself feeling for the first time, and frankly he didn't like it.

It made him feel weak and that's one thing Ran couldn't afford.

What was so special about you? He had numerous beautiful women in his portfolio and he never ONCE failed to erase their names from his brain after he was done with them.

He's not the man to be in a relationship and Christ, with a married woman all the more so.

Why did he need you so much? Why you? He knows the risks and he isn't one to take bets with his life. So what was this thing he was feeling?

Because he refused with all his being to admit that he might've in fact fell in love with you.

You glanced at him from time to time, you could tell his mind was racing as well so you decided to break the ice.

Y/n: "So what now?"

Ran opened his mouth but no words came out. In all honesty, he frankly didn't know what to say.

Y/n: "Ran I cannot just pretend that last night didn't happen.. talk to me."

Ran: "I think it's my turn to ask the same question you asked me before.. What do you want from me?"

He looked at you pleadingly, waiting patiently while letting you decide your own faith.

Y/n: ".. I can't tell you for sure because I don't know myself.. The only thing I know is that.. I don't want this to stop"

Ran smiled and kissed your forehead before taking your hands into his.

Ran: "I don't mind that at all"

You two were about to kiss when suddenly the front door unlocked, forcing you to take distance from each other.

You knew who it was.

Ran sat down at the table, pulling his phone up to check his messages. He didn't care about any of them, just needed to look busy.

You on the other hand made a run to the front door to greet Mikey, as you always did before. You had to play the part, be the loving wife he's used to seeing, even though you were dreading every second of it.

You hated the way Mikey held you in his arms. You hated the way he told you how much he missed you while you were gone. You hated the way he kissed you. You hated all of it.

Ran was there, doing his absolute best to ignore what was happening between the two of you. He was hit with the harsh reminder that you, in fact, belonged to someone else. He didn't had the right to feel this angry.. this jealous. But the way Mikey was touching you was burning his brain, it hurt him physically how powerless he was in this situation.

Mikey had his back turned to Ran but you? You were forced to face him, forced to watch how his face contorted while someone else was shamelessly grabbing you right in front of him. You wanted to tell Mikey to stop but you couldn't so instead you just muttered the words "I'm so sorry" to your lover.

Ran bit his tongue, sat up, composed himself and gave his signature smile, although it was anything but real while saying:

Ran: "I should probably leave you two some space.."

Mikey snapped his head back to look at him.

Mikey: "Nah.. you should stay"

He moved a few hairs from your face before turning back around to face Ran.

Mikey: "I'm about to be extremely busy with my girl. I need you here in case something happens because I don't want anything to distract us from.. you know."

His blood was boiling at this point, all sort of murderous thoughts invading his brain. He'd rather swallow a fistful of razor blades than hear you moan someone else's name. It would certainly hurt  him less.

He knew you couldn't stop him and he himself couldn't stop this form happening.. and maybe..

Maybe you didn't even want Mikey to stop. He was your husband after all. Maybe he was only there because the one you actually loved wasn't. He was just the replacement. Something you get off of in his absence.

Ran never knew he had a heart before you happened to him. He never knew what a fragile thing a heart was.. and how easily it can break.. How bad it hurt when it bled.

He broke many hearts along the years and for the first time.. He was sorry because now, he sure was paying for it.

Call it karmic retribution.

He tried brushing it off, distracting himself with something else, anything else but nothing seemed enough so he just stood there, defeated, listening helplessly to his worst nightmare happening on a loop.

He needed to end thing with you, it was the right thing to do. Selfish, yes, but he simply couldn't do this to himself.

It was too much and not enough at the same time.

He had to let you go.