Memoir

Chapter 6: Foggy

As you and Ran find yourselves alone the next morning the tension hanged heavy in the air.

His pride was still clashing with the turmoil of his heart, shifting drastically between his anger and the undeniable feelings he harbored for you.

You approached him cautiously, not exactly knowing what to even say. You knew by now the kind of man Ran was, or at least.. you thought you knew.

Ran avoided your gaze ever since you came into the room and furrowed as he was struggling himself to find the right words.

Y/n:  "You have to know I had no choice"

He grimaced, deep down he wanted to believe you but he couldn't.

You sure were very vocal the previous night causing him to doubt any words that further came out your mouth.

After a heavy sigh he decided to briefly look at you before shifting back his sight.

Ran: "Look.. I honestly thought I could do this but.. I can't. Y/n this is too much for me"

Your eyes filled with tears as you were struggling to compose yourself. You couldn't blame him, you understood where he was coming from but it didn't make it any better.

Y/n: "Don't do this to me. Not after you made me crazy about you, not after you became the only reason I look forward to wake up in the morning, don't you dare walk away from me after I risked it all for you."

Ran was clenching his teeth in a desperate attempt to hold back his anger. He didn't want to lash out on you but he was so close to.

Ran: ".. I can t be your lifeline Y/n, it's not fair.. for either of us."

You looked down at the floor as tears started to flow down your face.

Y/n: "Tell me one thing.. was any of it real? Was I.. was it ever more than just sex for you?"

It was so real, so much more than sex.

He was desperate for you with every ounce of his being but knew that no matter how much he wanted you, Mikey would always be there.

You are the one thing he could never have. Not fully. The thing the wanted the most. But he couldn't tell you that, of course. What good would it be? He had to lie because you needed to hate him. It was the only way.

Ran: "I just wanted to sleep with you.. that's all"

He spoke nonchalantly, his calm domineer fully covering up his true feelings.

You sat down on the stairs, looking at the ceiling while nodding. It hit you like a train.. he was just using you, that was all.

Y/n: "I see.."

You were so calm about this, so disconnected all of a sudden, it gave him such an uneasy feeling. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt you and he surprisingly couldn't bare to do it.

Ran: "No, that's a lie.. I-.. I'm sorry"

You furrowed your brows and looked back at him quizzically. He couldn't lie to you, he couldn't betray you like that. You didn't deserve it.

Ran: "I just don't know what to do anymore.."

He squatted in front of you so you'd be at the same level.

Ran: "It was real, y/n, what we've shared together, my feelings for you, all of it was very much real. So real that it scares the living crap out of me..

I want you all to myself, I can't just sit around and watch you give yourself to someone else, husband or not, I don't care.. it hurts the same to have to share the woman you are madly in love with."

Y/n: " I wish things were different, I really do. I wish I never met him."

He smiled and cupped your face although his heart was bleeding still.

Ran: "You're the most unexpected thing that ever happened to me y/n.. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget you."

Y/n: "Then don't.."

You looked at him pleadingly, clinging to every ounce of hope that maybe he would hear you out.

Y/n: "We'll work something out, we'll find a way."

He kissed your hands while letting out a quiet chuckle before standing back up.

Ran: "I really wish it were that simple. Go be with your husband Y/n..

He kissed the top of your head before turning around to leave

I'm sorry for complicating your life, I'll talk to Mikey. He'll find you a new bodyguard"

Y/n: "Do I not get a say in all of this?!"

Ran: "I'm afraid not this time beautiful"

Y/n: "You're being unfair"

Ran: "Life is unfair, you'll get used to it..

Can't always get what we want."

You bit your lip in attempt to stop yourself from crying again but to no use.

Ran: "Don't waste your tears on someone like me. I'm not the man you think I am y/n.. you have no idea what lies underneath what I chose to show you. I'm no better than Mikey, if anything, I may be worse. You deserve so much more.."

Y/n: "You have no idea who I am yet you talk like suddenly you know everything there is to know about me."

Ran: "I never said that, all I'm saying is.. you're a good person and I'm not."

You laughed dryly, rolling your eyes,

Y/n: "Would a good person plot to kill her husband in order to be with her lover?.. yeah, I don't think so either."

The color suddenly begun to drain from Ran's face. He couldn't believe what you've just said.

You weren't stupid, so why on earth would you say that out loud.

Kill Mikey? Many tried along the years and all of them found themselves gathered in the same place, 6 feet under the ground and even if you would succeed with it, the organization will hunt you down, torture you and kill you in the worst possible way.

Bonten is no joke, and you should know that better than anyone.

Ran pushed you into the wall, the anger and fear getting the better of him. His tone was deadly as he was towering over you.

Ran: "Don't EVER say something like this. Don't even think it! Y/n you have no idea what they would do to you, don't be stupid!"

You pushed him off you

Y/n: "WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE? I'm sick and tired of living like this! If it kills me than so be it!"

Ran: "Oh it will kill you, believe me. And worse, I WOULD HAVE TO DO IT. Do you even realize the position you would put me in? Making me kill the woman I love?!"

He punched the wall hard enough that the picture hanging off it fell and shattered on the ground, startling you. He didn't even process the words he just said.

He.. loved you?

Ran: "Please don't do it, it's not worth it."

Y/n: "I'm sorry..

I've already made up my mind"