"It's not alright! I freaked when you tried to touch me!" It killed me! Physically made me want to vomit. I hated it! I hated that I could even let him touch me. "I need time!"
"You're right." Stop being so damn understanding! It's making it worse. "I'm going back to Ohio."
"You're breaking up with me?" Fuck! I can't breathe!
"No! I'm giving you the time you need, even if it hurts. I want to hold you and help you, but I can't!" I'm only fine when I touch you but can't let you do the same! How is this going to work? "You're right you need time, time to heal and when you are ready, I'll be here."
"You, think distance is going to help?" When he nods his head, the tears fall. I know he is right, but I don't want this! Any of it. He doesn't deserve it. "Fine! You're free Ryder."
"Josh, that's not what I'm saying." Yeah, but that is how it feels. He's tired. I'm tired and we just don't know what to do anymore. "I love you. I hope you know that." I think I do, just not sure anymore. "I'll call you when I land back home. Do what you need to do but come home when you are ready. I'll be waiting."
"Josh!"
Snapping out of my thoughts of him. I look to my therapist who has a concerned look on her face.
"I asked, how are you feeling today?" The same as I did yesterday and the day before that and the day before that! How many times are you going to ask me the same damn question? "You know we made great progress last week."
Yeah, it only took you over a month to get me to crack!
"Not so good." I answer honestly. Three months since I have seen Ryder and for the past two, I have only talked to him twice. When I asked for space, I didn't think it would come to this!
"Is it because of Ryder?" Do not cry. Do not fucking cry! Damn it! "Josh, it's okay." It's not fucking okay! I miss him like crazy, but I'm still so damn scared.
"I pushed him away."
"No, you haven't." You don't know that! Are you a psychic? I think fucking not! "He is respecting your boundaries from what you have said." Yeah, but how long will he stick around? Until I get my shit together. Who knows when the hell that is going to be. "I think you are ready to come face to face with him again." The hell I am!
I almost had a nuclear meltdown last time I saw Connor.
"If you want to get past this at any point and have a true relationship with Ryder, then you need closure." I barely lasted a minute. When he spoke, I fled. I don't trust him! I thought I knew him but clearly, I was fucking wrong! "I will go with you again. He's finally getting released after the second time being there."
I should feel bad, but karma is a bitch! After leaving the hospital last time he landed back in because someone hit him with their car.
"Fine! I'm telling you, if I break down this is on you!"
I want to move past this. I'm tired of feeling angry, snappy and aggressive towards everyone, all the damn time! I want to be me again. If that's possible.
"I will take full responsibility."
Damn right you will!
********************
"I'm very proud of you Josh." So, am I. A genuine smile graces my face. For the first time since it happened, I almost feel like myself again. Almost! I'm not as afraid as I once was. "I told you, that you have the control, and you most certainly did in there."
"Thank you, Carla." I actually mean it this time and even surprise both of us when I give her a hug.
"My next assignment for you is to go home and talk to Ryder face to face."
YOU ARE READING
Never Say Never
General Fiction(Completed)Book 5 of the It Just Happened Series. (This can be read as a stand-alone book, however there is mentions of the characters in the other books as well.) Ryder Dawson has just come home from his last tour of duty broken and lost. He does n...
