Never Say Never

37. Say It

                                                                                            R Y D E R

Can you love and hate someone at the same time? Because that is how I feel. I love how he makes me feel somewhat like my old self but hate that I think about him all the time.

Not going to lie he fucking drove me crazy not being by my side the last two nights. I fucking snuck into his room so the nightmares wouldn't come back. So, I caved and went to him. I just needed to feel him against me to feel like I can breathe again. Like I said I fucking hate feeling this vulnerable to someone. Because in the end will only cause heartache and pain. I know it will be me causing the pain, even if I don't mean to. Maybe I just hate my fucking self because I destroy everything that I touch as of late.

I'm thrown out of my morbid thoughts as I see Josh walk into the living room and everything I just thought disappears. I could never hurt him because when I look at him, he fucking takes my breath away. He radiates so much light just from the smile on his face. He stares back at me when I can't even say a damn thing because I am so damn tongue tied right now. I see the blush tint his cheeks as he looks down to hide it from me. I shake my head and walk right up to him and tilt his chin up. He stares into my eyes, those eyes I get lost in every damn time. I hope he looks at me like that for the rest of my life.

"Fucking gorgeous." I say as his cheeks redden more as I lean in press my lips to his. I give him the kisses which I know he loves more than anything as his arms snake around my neck. I restrain from just devouring him whole. He does this to me every...fucking...time. When we pull away from the kiss to catch our breaths, he looks up to me with his eyes fluttering with a smile on his face.

"You look sexy as hell Cowboy." I chuckle as I lean and kiss his forehead just as there is a knock on the door. I hear him sigh and I know exactly how he feels. Now I have to pretend, I do not care for him the way I do.

"It's time to go." He nods his head as we walk to the door and our moment is lost the instant he sees his best friend. They start talking and head to the car before I even lock my door.

"When they get together it is hard to separate them." Johnny chuckles and I shake my head as we walk to the car. "Doesn't it bother you sometimes?" I ask and am surprised I let that questions slip out. Because sometimes it bothers me that he prefers her over me. Johnny looks at me then back at them as they sit in the back and talk expressively. "Nah, man. Kat has told me about his life growing up with his father after his mother passed away. I'm glad he's got her and the other way around." I nod my head because he is right Marshall Harlan is a Grade A prick.

Once in the car it doesn't take long for us to get to the venue for the wedding and as soon as we are out of the car, I grab Josh's arm. "I want you to stay close to me or Johnny as much as possible." He nods his head even though I saw him roll his eyes discreetly. He forgets that I watch him closely because I do not want him to get hurt. I growl out at him, and his eyes widen.

"Okay Hulk, calm your tits. Josh will be fine." Katrina says and I shoot her a warning look, but Johnny just smacks me on the back of the head.

"She's not wrong." Johnny says as we walk inside.

"What are you talking about?"

He stops and gives me are you fucking kidding me look. "You know exactly what I am talking about. You're becoming possessive." I scoff and walk off but he is right next to me. "Don't get me wrong. I am enjoying the old Ryder popping to the surface but he will be fine."

"I don't care."

"Bullshit! and you know it. You can pretend with everyone else but not me. I know how much you care for him. He's good for you Ryder, so don't fuck it up." With that he walks off to go to his wife and I see Josh waiting for me. Even Johnny knows I'm going screw this up somehow.