XXII

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1995, March
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Trish Chanel's Point Of View

As I settled into the backseat of Doc's car, the weight of confessing to Rabbit about sharing his personal business with my crew grabbed at me

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As I settled into the backseat of Doc's car, the weight of confessing to Rabbit about sharing his personal business with my crew grabbed at me. I knew I should have come clean yesterday, but I kept procrastinating. And now, the battle is happening tonight... My brother still wore a somber expression, but he attempted to maintain a facade of bravery.

I found myself repeatedly inquiring about Jimmy, unsure of the reason behind it. There was just this nagging feeling that something was off with him.

...I couldn't shake off Wink's remarks. I was well aware of my own flaws, but I wished he hadn't exposed them to everyone. Every time I stripped down before a shower, I couldn't help but scrutinize those scars and stretch marks...and everytime my brother offers me food, I say no.

I longed to confide in someone, but David was struggling, and confronting Jimmy felt daunting. I didn't want to burden Regina with my issues either. Although I knew she'd be willing to lend an ear.

That night spent with Rabbit on the porch unearthed something unexpected within me. Something I never anticipated. Why would it? We were meant to despise each other. It's the classic Trish versus Jimmy dynamic. So why did I feel this way? I couldn't even decipher my own emotions. But there was an underlying sense of care or concern. I shouldn't have aired his dirty laundry like that. It wasn't right. Regina told me as much, and deep down, I knew it too.

I regret ever gossiping about his drama in the past honestly. I did it for laughs and validation from my crew, but now I'm questioning if I even want to be associated with that crew anymore. Sure, we've been tight for years, and they've never let me down, but do they truly understand me? Do they understand Trish, or just the superficial Chanel? Rabbit has glimpsed a part of Trish, but for some reason, I want him to see more, and I want to discover more about him. I don't know why.

A drunken conversation and an almost-kiss shouldn't hold such sway over me. I'm not a child anymore, I'm nearly 20, for goodness' sake. Why is this dominating my thoughts? Who gives a damn?

I apparently do. I care about Jimmy, and it's driving me crazy. I couldn't shake him from my mind all last night, consumed by guilt and an odd sense of worry. I don't know why. I'm sure he's fine. But it feels like something has shifted between us in the past few weeks. Definitely.

And it's somewhat revolting to admit. Having feelings for Jimmy? Rabbit? Choke Artist?? It's bizarre. I hope it dissipates, because it's softening me towards him, and that's not acceptable.

I'm supposed to be chillin with my crew, not fretting about Jimmy and his emotions. But all these emotions are tearing me apart inside, and it's only worsening as we approach the shelter. Wink's in the car too, his expression grim. Nobody knows if Jimmy's going to turn up. Part of me hopes he doesn't, so I don't have to confess anything. But another part wishes he would, so he can prove everyone wrong. But I'm not going to voice that. My crew can't know I'm growing fond of Jimmy. They'd never let me live it down.

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