Ice Cold

49

Wren Ridley

There were times where I truly didn't understand anything, not even myself. I couldn't understand why I couldn't bring myself to be totally open and vulnerable with Landon. It didn't make sense, really. Everything I felt toward him had to point to love, so why was it so hard for me to consider that? Why did the thought of love shut me down and make me rethink everything I had ever felt toward him?

Having to confront these feelings made me feel like I didn't even know myself.

Love wasn't for me. It was never something I expected for myself, never something I thought I would want. I couldn't help but think I never wanted this for myself because I thought it couldn't be possible, that no one outside of my family would ever care for me the way Landon did.

I was always a bit of a loner. Any friends I had were really just acquaintances and I had never been in a serious relationship. I always found myself bitter toward people in love, thinking it was useless and fake. I never wanted someone to know me on such a deep level that they even had the capacity to love me.

My feelings for Landon were so large, like they couldn't even fit inside my body, but I always assigned them to something else. It was affection or care or adoration, but never love. I never even thought of love until it was presented to me by him the other night and it made me freeze up. It made me feel insecure and uncertain of what my own feelings actually were.

The worst part of all this was that I couldn't even vocalize any of my feelings to Landon. I was a fraud, a pretender, acting like I was smart and good with my words when in reality I was the opposite. I was emotionally inept and too much of a coward to say anything. Landon didn't deserve that and I didn't deserve for him to love me.

It was the day after Landon broke things off that I was sitting at my desk, typing up the finishing lines of my manuscript that James walked in with a wide smile on his face, clearing having just come from Anthony's place.

"Man, I see it now," James said, going over to his bed and dropping himself into it on his back.

"See what?" I asked, continuing my typing.

"Why you're in a relationship," he replied. "It's great!"

"I take it things are going well with Anthony," I said, ignoring the fact that I was actually not in a relationship anymore. James would find out soon enough if my mood was anything to go by.

"Better than well," James said with a grin, sitting up on his bed to look over at me. His grin fell when he saw me. "Okay, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You look like you haven't slept."

"I haven't."

James was quiet for a moment, trying to figure me out.

I had been up all night working on my manuscript, trying to keep my mind off of what had happened with Landon. The night went on without me realizing the hours were ticking by and eventually the sun had come up. By then I was almost done and there was no use in me stopping my momentum just to get some sleep.

"Okay..." James trailed. "Why didn't you sleep last night?"

"I was busy," I replied. "I'm actually still busy if you could leave me alone."

"Alright." James got up from his bed and walked over to me before nearly closing my laptop shut on my fingers.

"This isn't leaving me alone," I told him with narrowed eyes.

"You're acting weirder than usual right now," he said. "So something is up that you're not telling me. So, what is it? Did Landon dump you again?"

He said it sarcastically, like he didn't actually think that was what was wrong, but then a look of realization crossed his face.