Final Approach (Aviación II) On-going

4

Dynamics

Pumasok ako sa mundong wala akong alam. Unang pagkakataon ko pa lang na makilala sila kaya nangangapa rin ako sa kung paano makisama.

Siguro dahil na rin sa alak kaya biglang nag iba ang dynamic ng grupo. Lumala ang tawanan dahil sa mga kakaiba nilang mga dares sa laro. Hindi naman normal sa akin ang ganito pero syempre hindi ko naman kailangan na ianunsyo pa sa publiko.

Ayaw kong mag iba ang tingin nila dahil lang may kakayanan ang mga magulang ko. Siguro naman hindi madaling masilaw ang mga taong to kasi kahit sila ay mukhang laki sa yaman din.

Sabi nga nila ang mga mayayaman may sariling kabaliwan din. Kung titingnan sa panlabas ay parang ang perfect ng pamumuhay at pag iisip pero sa likod ng mamahaling mga palamuti maraming nagagawang mali o hindi normal na gawain.

Paniguradong hindi naman nag dodroga ang mga to pero tiyak na magulo rin. Nasa ilalim ang kulo kumbaga. Everything turned racy and green all of a sudden. There's a couple kissing on the couch, Adita's lap dancing with Malik—oh ghad! Avis and Hervé dry humping!

Pansin kong kusa naman na hindi nakialam ang mga kaibigan sa dalawang naghaharutan sa sala. Avis and Hervé doing it mindlessly on the velvety circular couch.

Napalunok ako habang pinipilit ang sarili na wag makialam kina Avis, ako nalang ang dapat na mahiya at bigyan sila ng privacy.

Nasa tabi ko naman si Nicco at kaswal lang na nanonood ng movie. I started to wonder how this friend group works and why everyone seems to be so chill about it. As if they simply respected everyone's personal space and saw nothing wrong at all.

Even Herve and Avis can be heard loudly humming in the living room. I'm no longer a virgin and I'm not truly ignorant of sex, but my wild notions are restricted to what's essential—the wholesome ones. I'm never curious or experimental.

I even went through with the sex stuff because, let's face it, relationships aren't about playing jackstones. In the long term, you are bound to participate in sexual activity, but this degree of liberated and meaningless activity baffles me.

Kaya ba iniwan ako kasi ang boring and seryoso ko sa buhay? Ngumuso ako nang maalala na baka yun nga. Sana pala hindi na ako nakialam yan tulong pumait na naman ang pakiramdam ko.

Dapat ba talaga pag may kalandian dapat full performance lagi? Hindi ba pwedeng usap usap nalang tapos mamuhay ng normal at payapa? Kailangan ba uhaw ako lagi? Dapat ba may gigil araw araw?

Naisip ko na normal naman ang naging relasyon ko. Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo kung magsesex nga o maghahalikan. Siguro hindi lang ako sanay na hinihila nalang bigla sa gilid o kaya magtago sa tabi para maglampungan.

May kwarto naman bakit kailangan sa mga lugar na nakakatakot? Mas masaya ba pag mag nakakita o pag may makakahuli? Kaya nga nagtatago yung ex ko kasi may thrill sa pagiging gago.

The noises coming from from Av and Herve are making it difficult for me to focus on the movie Nicco and I were watching. I've been single for a while, and I believed that after the miscarriage, I would never enjoy having sex again since it would bring back memories of the betrayals and the terrible treatment I endured.

But now, for the first time in a long time, I feel so uncomfortable and bothered. I can feel my breathing labor and I pushed my legs straight as I crossed them because I'm so uncomfortable and my underwear is dampening. I saw Nicco's hard on because of the banana eating game. It's strange that I'm feeling so fired up again for the first time.

"You okay?"

I unfist my hand and tried to calm myself down instead of stuttering, puzzled that he saw how uncomfortable I was. As I turn to face him, I notice that he appears so calm and natural, yet I am clutching my hands like a nervous bitch.