Nobody Wants To Know Him

XLII - One Day (At A Time)

Friday 22nd June 1973
Liverpool, England
11.21am

I'd been awake for a long while by now. I was downstairs, wondering when John would awaken. I didn't particularly want to leave him, especially after last night, but there was no way I was lying in bed for over three hours, and besides, the cats needed feeding.

So I had made breakfast, fed the cats, cleaned up anything that was out of place from last night, and made myself a cup of tea. Or two. Had to make sure the kettle was boiled for when John comes to.

Now, I was in the garden, having just finished my third mug of tea. The weather was hot, and the last rain was in May, so someone had to water the plants as Mother Nature wasn't going to do it herself.

Whilst outside, I let my mind mull over several things. With John, it felt like I never knew what was happening next. In a way, the way he kept me on my toes was exhilarating, but other times it was just exhausting. He was unpredictable, and his spontaneity was one of the things I liked about him, but when it came to more serious things, it truly was a lot trickier.

I still wasn't sure what had set him off yesterday, but if I had to guess, I would say it was some repercussion from the meeting with Mimi. Our whole chat afterwards had certainly brought up some feelings which had buried for a long while, and it was clear that that was having an impact on John, whether he tried to hide it or not - and believe you me, he was certainly trying to conceal it.

In all honesty, I wasn't too sure how much more I would be able to help John. He had nobody else to open up to, and it wasn't as though I felt he was burdening me with his issues, not at all. It was just that, surely, it couldn't be healthy the way he would only speak to one person (me), and only when absolutely necessary. I couldn't help but feel that he needed some other lifeline, and some other assistance.

John was a troubled man, that was definite. He'd faced his deal of hardships, and he certainly wasn't over them. It seemed as though they'd imprinted a long-term influence on him, and I wasn't sure I was perfectly equipped to help him out.

Emotionally, I could support him, I could be there for him. But for him to mentally climb over these obstacles which have been in his way for over half his life, to scale this wall which has blockaded him, enclosed him; well, I think his attachment to me would hinder his ability to do that. Knowing him, and by now, I felt I could say that I knew him rather well, he thought his connection with me was extremely emotional. Getting him to listen to me practically wasn't easy, even when it came to the most trivial things. So I felt that I couldn't be there for him emotionally as well as try and help him find closure, whatever it be for.

At the end of the day, only he would be able to that ultimately, but the journey didn't need to be his alone. And I'd be there with him the entire way, but I couldn't be the only one.

But then, what were my options? Anything that I suggested to John would likely get pushed aside.

I knew for a fact that he would despise any of those group talk things. You know, the ones where you sit in a circle with other people struggling and talk about your emotions and life problems.

Therapy? Well, if John was willing, I felt like that would be the ideal option for John. Someone who wasn't judgemental that he'd be able to talk to. It would take a long time for him to open up, him being who he was, but if he did, I think it would be a huge benefit to him. But it would take much effort to convince him it would be good for him. Admitting he needed something like therapy would be, to him, like conceding and confessing that he was weak.

But if he didn't adhere to the therapy concept, what else was there? Of course there were the mindful things you could so yourself, meditation, all that; all things John would be more keen on. But that peacefulness of mind didn't directly solve and problems, and pushing issues aside seemed like something John had done long enough. So, really, it seemed that suggesting therapy was the best way forward.