Love hurts

Less of a woman

I'm scared of what the future holds for me.
I want to vent.
I'm 23, with no real job, no real aspirations, and I'm in a slump.
I've been told I might not be able to have kids.
I've been told I have a cyst that could rupture at any moment and jeopardize my health and future.
That this could make me bleed out and who knows maybe even kill me.
Why does that terrify me?
Why does it feel like a death sentence?
I've been a mother my whole life to my siblings.
I feel like I've failed.
I feel like I'm less of a woman because of it.
It's odd enough I feel like I don't want to be in this body.
I want to shed my skin and build a new me like a snake or a chameleon.
I just want to not be me.
I want to not have to worry about what I'm doing with my life and how I feel like I'm behind.
I feel like I'm not reaching my full potential.
I feel like an even bigger failure than I did before.
I feel like I'm damaged goods.
I just am so tired of being so god damn sad about every damn thing in my life.
I should be grateful for the life that I live.
Right?
I should take this as a sign of some sort.
But I can't.
I want to be a mother.
I feel like maybe it's the only thing I could do right
and yet I feel like I've already failed at that.