Made Perfect

8

(IK)

Things continue to become more mudane by the second. Another 8 days of the same routine, even more talents successfully recovered. Biology, luck, anthology, chemistry, piano, psychology, physics, detection, and athletism all came so easily. I haven't failed another test, yet the topic of surgery keeps getting thrown around. How twisted of me to practically wish for it. As slim of a chance as it was, maybe then I could remember more of the past. Who I was, who I knew, what I did with this void inside me. Did I once have the answers? Perhaps I have so many talents to fill this void.

Doesn't it make sense? My own parents haven't visited or called, so I can imagine they've been neglectful in my everyday life. It seems my child self would get involved in many different things to either please them or ease the loneliness. Is that what this feeling is or is this boredom truly making me lose it? It's difficult to tell. Despite everything, I can't identify this feeling. Having a talent of psychology didn't make my understanding of myself much clearer when it comes to that. Whatever caused this emptiness in my chest continues to get worse. I tell myself it's because I'm essentially locked away. The only door out is locked allegedly for my safety. How illogical. I constantly wonder when I can leave. When asked, the Steering Committee has no real answer.

Poor Matsuda keeps hearing my complaining. Like a genuine companion he actually listens. Even if he often snaps back with some sarcastic comment, I can tell he's not genuinely annoyed. If anything, the subtleties in his words point to a sort of helplessness of what he could do to ease my issues. I let out a small fraction of my inner turmoil as his face shows that hint of compassion he thinks he hides so well. "If I knew when I could leave, would that make this more bearable?" I sigh the words out. The uncomfortable chair he stays in squeaking as he moves forward. A thinking expression painted his pale face when he plainly speaks. "What would help you right now?"

An unexpected response. I predicted he'd say 'just take it day by day, dumbass' or 'i know you're not completely brainless, so keep going'. Sometimes I wonder if he purposely tries to go against my predictions. To test this theory, I shoot for the stars. Would he actually try to grant my wish? Or would he do the predictable and just listen? "I want to go outside. To talk to people or even just to walk around. I might be low of vitamin D which would explain my mood." To my request, Matsuda shakes his head. "No, we give you vitamins everyday. We don't give you all those pills for nothing, y'know." Of course, he focused on that. Expected. I sigh as I look at the ground. Tiled imperfections I have memorized. Taking an absurd amount each morning and night added to the routine. I don't know what each medication was or what they're for exactly.

"Alright, look. Keep your mouth shut and maybe we can sneak out for a few hours. It'll be in the middle of the night, so don't complain about being tired tomorrow." Oh? Sneak out? That implies that we really couldn't ask. I figured that was true since when I asked to go out for some air I was told it was too rainy. A possibility, sure, but the committee member seemed a bit worked up over the question. That serious expression assured me that he wasn't kidding. For the first time in days, I smiled. Haven't done that since I pestered him last a couple days ago. Something he's surely growing tired of. "Deal." I debate asking him what we'd do and decided not to. Guessing what he'd plan was more fun, although I'll most likely figure it out before he does.

----

My muscles are sore from the test of an athlete talent yesterday. Something new yet unpleasant. The test today was for basic computer knowledge. Of course, the answers flowed out as if it was the most natural thing in the world. None of that mattered right now. Instead of dwelling on my physical state, I patiently waited for the minutes to pass. I would normally be asleep by now, but I know any second Matsuda will come in.

My theory is we'll most likely walk around aimlessly outside or in the building. I'd much rather be outside. I crave to remember what it felt like to breathe in nature instead of an old, unreliable A/C unit. I can't remember if I enjoyed being outside particularly, yet I know I would go insane if I stayed in this mock cell any longer. I crave to feel a natural breeze on my skin and through my now shoulder length hair. Did my hair always grow this fast or did the insane amount of pills cause that? No need to worry about that right now. Ideally, I can live this small dream soon.