Made Perfect

10

(YM)

The odor was downright disgusting. Smelled... indescribable. The closest would be like burning hair and oil. A light buzzing filled the room. I hardly registered these details as I carefully concentrated on the procedure. Nothing can disrupt me when I'm in my element. My cautery pen made all the correct marks with caution and ease to stop his bleeding. Even during an experimental surgery, nerve-racking as it may be, nothing else weighed on my mind. I only centered on the subject as a 'real neurologist' prepared to hand me tools and overlook my work.

His head cut open and poked at while he was under. Sometimes these conditions caused me to forget I'm operating on a real human being. This time, it was someone I've been talking to daily. In that instant, I didn't think of that. A dissonance with the gore, a coping mechanism, as childish as it is. Soon, the cauterizing ended and the rest began. Before I could request for any of our cerebrospinal fluids during the more difficult part, there was a surprise twitch in his shoulders. Oh, what a delightful reminder of his livelihood. A typical reaction during brain surgery. Only thing to do is pretend it didn't happen.

Then Hinata's hands moved to his head. Barely missed his exposed brain and touched at the cut, fluids covered his fingers. A quick elevation in breathing and heart rate. Now, that was far from typical. How did this happen? The anesthesiologist / other neurologist, Dr. Shikinami, put his hands down back to his sides. She switched on a shocked expression upon meeting his wide-eyed horror. His hands tremble while he emits panicked, shaky breaths, on the brink of a scream or tears. No. This shouldn't be happening! How the hell did he wake up?

"Please stop! For the love of God, please stop!" Hinata sounded absolutely terrified and confused. Body trembling with eyes forcing themselves shut. Straps holding his head in place were the only reason nothing fell out while he shivered. "Please!! I wanna go home...!" The breathlessness eeps into each word.  Pleading in a half awake state with such contradictions to what he said before. Perhaps he deceived himself to lessen the pain. It must be. That voice couldn't have been fabricated. "Up the anesthesia."

I ordered Dr. Shikinami around like she couldn't figure that out herself. The panic rendered both of us useless for a second. She does what she's trained to do - upping the dosage while he continued to beg. "Let me go! I won't say anything, just please let me go home!!" I would've said something to ease him, but he knocked back out within seconds. Breath still shallow and tears falling after it hits. The pleas echoed in my ears as I struggled to compose myself. I felt paralyzed, unable to do anything besides breathe heavily. This wasn't how it really went, was it?

"Continue, Matsuda, you can't leave him like that. Then all his pain would be for nothing."

"Why did he wake up?"

"You can't stop now. It's too far into it. He'll get brain damage."

"Don't forget we're paying you so don't walk out because of some medical error!"

"Keep going. Don't stop because the boy got emotional."

"Matsuda, it's okay! Freaky things like this happen. You can do this. You have to be prepared if you're going to become a real doctor like me."

"You're truly evil for doing something like this. At least you didn't know him long."

"Hinata didn't deserve this."

"You're causing so much suffering and for what? Money? Science? Experience? You deserve everything you go through."

Muddied overlapping voices eventually blended together. Picking out the individual statements led to a fuzziness. The old men and my fellow doctor to my inner consciousness yelled at me until they bled into the sound of an alarm.