Keep Dreaming

Therapy part II - Owen's POV

I refused to talk to Jack on the way back. Of course he had to fuck things up by getting a shrink.

The hospital sent me to counselling after Katie died. The therapist was a girl  with mousy brown hair and a pair of glasses perched on the edge of her nose. The sessions were held in a room that was just as boring and bleak as she was.
As I sat in an uncomfortable grey couch, she asked me stupid questions in a sympathetic, singsong voice, like "And how does that make you feel?".
I just rhymed off some stupid, mushy answer so she'd let me off the hook.
How did she think I felt? Fucking shit. Like I didn't want to be alive. Like my life didn't have purpose. For weeks I wallowed, drowned by the dark, suffocating grief. Every day I woke up and my chest ached when I remembered what had happened. I didn't want to move, to eat, to sleep. I wanted nothingness.
I wanted to not remember; to not feel.
After a while, I found ways to numb the pain - drinking and sleeping around, mostly. But it didn't matter. After the high, I was left with that same empty feeling, and if I ever did feel anything, it was shame. Heavy, smothering shame. It sent me into spirals, sometimes even full-blown panic attacks: What would Katie think, knowing I'm sleeping with people just weeks after her death? What would she think if she saw me after a night out, blackout drunk and crying? That shame really consumed me for a while.
Life got much easier when I learnt to suppress my feelings.

Jack stopped me before going in.
"I know you're not her biggest fan, but just give her a shot, okay?"
I rolled my eyes. Hopefully if I could give her enough stick, she'd up and leave after a few weeks. If I just stirred shit for a while, I could create a good few problems on top of the ones we already had: she'd see what basket cases we were and leave.
Jack sighed defeatedly and opened the door to the headquarters.
I walked in and couldn't immediately see anyone. I decided to head to the med bay - and that's where I saw Gwen, Tosh and Erin in a gaggle around Ianto, who had obviously come to while we were gone.
Great.
I made my way down the stairs and wriggled my way through the near-impenetrable wall of females in order to get to Ianto.
"I see the new girl tried to take you out already."
I said in a louder-than-normal volume as I checked his pulse.
I glanced at her over my shoulder, delighted to see Erin flushing a bright red.
"Sorry Erin, but I'm fairly sure Jack's beaten you to him."
Now it was Ianto's turn to go red - not expected, but appreciated: two birds with one stone.
Gwen seemed to pick up on the awkward atmosphere (a first for her, I thought) and broke the silence.
"We were just going to head out for a few drinks - fancy coming?"
"Depends - is she going to try to tell me I'm an alcoholic?"
Gwen rolled her eyes at me.
"C'mon Owen. Don't be a dickhead."
I bristled slightly - but I was dying for a drink.
"Fine."