Mrs. Butterfly - finding myself

realization: I'm lost.

Yesterday I met a boy who told me that he had lost his smile.

I was asking him why it was like this and, unsurprisingly, he didn't know.

another question arose in my head. did he know who he was? or had he not only lost his smile, but also himself?

in this moment I realized that I also had lost something.

I had lost myself.

Had I ever known myself?

Had I ever really found myself?

I guess not.

when i was a kid, until the age of 15, i did not really have big opinions. Of course, everyone cared for me and i didn't have to be responsible for most of the things i did because i was always being supervised. but that also meant that I was just owning things everyone gave to me and just accepted those things as "my style".

I put posters of stars on my walls which i didn't even know, just because they seemed pretty.

Now even my style feels lost.

i actually feel lost in general.

Where did it go?

where did i as a PERSON go?

How did i start buying a countless number of unneccessary stuff and wearing clothes i just bought because they were cheap asf and because of that, I bought hundreds of pieces?

i should start to save money, I told myself.

but guess what happened? Of course, i didn't start to save money. I was even paying with my last few cents I had.

the answer to the question, why all of this happened, is simple. It all happened because i was lost. I am lost.

I wanted to find myself in the products produced for the mass of people. produced to be bought by victims of capitalism.

but i didn't find myself in those things.

i bought and bought to fulfill the need of "being found" by myself, but this mission seemed to be impossible. I still didn't know who I was.

I never got asked about who I really was.

In school they ask you who you are, but they only want to know your name, age and place of living.

do they know who you really are? A few numbers and letters can't be the things that define you, can they?

When meeting new friends in this fast paced world, they often don't care about what really defines you. They seem to be curious, but have they ever asked you if you found yourself?

Have they found themselves?

Maybe because no one ever asks if you found yourself, you still feel lost because the impulse was never given to you to actually start thinking about yourself.

A person is made up not only by DNA and name. A person is made up of thousands of things.

No wonder that no one seems to ask that question, who do you want to be? Wouldn't it be difficult to find all of the pieces to complete the puzzle of yourself? Wouldn't it take years?

(and yes, it does take lots of time. But i promise, it's worth it.)

That's where I realized I was lost. I didn't have a vision of me being me. I was having a vision of me being like all the trendy people and to be fitting in the system.

I am lost.

I want to know MYSELF, and forget the version the world loves.

I want to forget the old me, the version my family adores and the version the people at school accept.

I want to loose the lost me, and find the new me.

To stop being lost, it takes time and braveness.

lost.

that's the word that started my journey of being lost and finding myself.

It's going to accompany me for a long time, I'm aware of that.

But it could be worth it.

It WILL be worth it, to start thinking about why I was and am lost.

Maybe then I'll finally find myself.

to you, my sentences may seem illogical but for me it all makes sense. brain dump is actually something amazing if you want to free your head.

Honestly, before I started thinking about who I am and where I got lost, I was pretty afraid of everything. I was afraid of never being able to find myself, of always being lost in the maze of life.

but eventually, I'm on my way now.

On my way to find myself.