Thriving in The Dark [(TDM) ENG]

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The lady --Cate-- walked me into a room with four bunk beds and seven girls. It's ironic how everything reminded me of Thurmond. Every little thing that slightly resembled it, would trigger unpleasant flashbacks about the cabins, the gunshots, the violence. So I stood there by the door, completely dissociated and fighting against unwanted memories.

Cate shook me back into reality. "Hey, are you okay?" I faintly nodded and she added "These are your new roommates. Unlike you, they've never been to a camp, but I think you'll still get along pretty well." Oh, wow.

It still upset me that there were kids who had never been sent to a camp. How lucky they must have been to not know the feeling of a gun following you from the tower along your way to the factory, or the feeling of almost fainting after hours of forced labor in the garden under the scorching summer sun.

"Yeah... sure." I looked at each one of them, all so... alive. I found it unnerving that they weren't wearing colored uniforms. Don't get me wrong, I hated the fact that we had to wear them in the camps, but I was used to looking at a kid and immediately knowing what he could do. Now I would have to ask them, and I didn't want to.

Cate had already left to answer a phone call when one of the girls said: "So... I'm guessing you're a Yellow." 

"What? How do y-" Oh. I looked down at my clothes for the first time and noticed I was still wearing the top of my yellow uniform. I changed my pants to be less noticeable after my escape, but I couldn't find any shirts in the dumpster. 

The same girl added: "Look, we're cool as long as you don't fry shit up. Alright?" Some of the other girls laughed. 

The realization hit me and my heart shattered. Never before then had I ever been judged by another Psi kid. It had always been adults, but never a kid. In the camps, we learned to look out for each other. We were all into the same shit and tried our best to accept and protect our peers, most of the time. I'm guessing these girls never learned that in here, protected from the rest of the world. What kind of place even is this? What will they force us to do? I started to regret not having run away when I could have.

There are not enough words to describe the void I felt in my chest. I tried to breathe deeper but it wouldn't fill the hole that was in me. I missed my girls. I missed how safe I felt when I was with them, shielded by their warmth and care. Nothing scared me when the cabin door closed at night and it was just the thirty of us. We invented stories before bedtime and held each other's hands when we couldn't sleep. And besides our silly little arguments, we would always be on the same side. I missed them. I missed them so much. These new girls would never fill up that void. I wanted to go back to the night I ran away. I wanted to get on that truck and get killed with the rest of my species, because that's what I deserve. I could have saved them all, but I just chose to save myself. And I will never forgive myself for being so cowardly and selfish.

I didn't want to go back to reality this time. I left those rats behind and ran out the door. I had no idea where I was going, I just wanted to be left alone. 

I accidentally ran into Cate, who had just hung up the phone. "Jeez! Watch it, young lady!" she yelled, surprised. But her gaze softened immediately as soon as she saw my face. "Hey, is everything okay? Don't you like your new roommates?" she didn't seem judgmental, just worried.

"I- I want to leave... I can't stay here" I was already tearing up.

"I'm sorry, Lily, but you can't leave the League," she said, and gently helped me sit down on the ground "We help kids, but we also need you kids to help us. We train you and teach you how to defend yourselves in dangerous situations because we need you for our dangerous missions. I know this sounds unfair, but is it really worse than what's outside?" she sighed "I know what it looks like for you. The other kids come in and love this place, but those who have been in a camp can only see resemblances to it. And I see them too. I know it's not the same thing, but I worked as a spy in Thurmond's infirmary for a month. It was hell for me and I can't even imagine how it was for you all. But you have to trust me: this isn't Thurmond, and we will make sure you'll never go back there. This place will make you stronger, believe me. You'll be safe with us." 

I cried. I cried really loud, actually. I hadn't cried like that in years. Kids came out of their rooms to investigate the source of those loud, annoying screams. And the source was on the ground, curled up in a ball and struggling to breathe. I wanted to disappear. Cate's words were nothing special but they unlocked something that had been sleeping inside me for too long. I needed those words, I needed someone to care about me. A mother figure. Maybe if my mom had changed her mind earlier the day of the Collection, maybe I wouldn't have needed those words now. Maybe I wouldn't understand certain things at such a young age. I would never have stepped foot into a camp, I would be safe and loved. But there I was, lying miserably on the floor, crying and screaming.

Cate sent those kids away and picked me up from the floor. She kept rubbing my shoulders and shielded me from other people's sight. I don't know where she brought me, but it was warm and comfortable. It calmed me down.

"This is a spare room, you can rest in here for as long as you need. But remember, you have your first training in two days, you can't miss it!" she tucked me into the bed and caressed my cheek "I hope to see you at dinner. Call me if you need anything." she said as she reached the door, ready to leave the room.

"Cate," I said, and she turned to look at me "Thank you".

She showed me one of her brightest smiles and sent me a kiss with her hand, then left and closed the door behind her.

And finally, I was alone.