a fanfiction for my fellow walker lovers 🩷🎀
no smut included, but there will be quite a bit of cussing, but no major mature scenes. triggering topics include
sh, su!c!d3, sa
IVE NEVER woken up myself up from screaming, but i guess there's a first for everything.
that was the one of the worst dreams i've ever had. what was up with all of these nightmares. i'm so done with God putting the people i love most into my dreams just to tease me and say "ha, you'll never have this again". i can't do it anymore.
jackson would never apologise anyways. he's so fucking full of himself and thinks hes done absolutely nothing wrong, when in reality he almost made me... anyways.
i always tried to tell myself i didn't hate him, but was that actually true? i mean i haven't gone a day without thinking about him or just even saying his name. i always have to talk badly about him to make myself feel better about the choice i made.
i loved him with my whole heart. i gave him everything i had. i put him before myself so many hours out of the day and i still was never good enough for him. i was just a set of ass and tits to him, but he didn't even want to fuck. it didn't make sense at all.
what did he ever want out of me? why was gracelyn better? why wasn't i good enough for him to finally ditch her? why was my comfort for him not enough? why was my love not enough to make him stay? why why why, is all i can ever ask myself. i'll never get that closure. not that i want it anyways.
or did i? i guess it depends on what his idea of closure is. would it be an apology? would it be him begging for me back? would it be a paragraph of how he feels? the bad thing is, i wouldn't mind any of those options.
i never want to see him again, but i also want to love him until the day i take my dying breath.
he's made me relapse countless times, but why? was it ever even worth it? was it worth losing friends for? was it worth losing me feeling alive?
no. nothing i did over or about him was worth it. he's just a puny boy, right?
no. you're wrong. he was so much more than a puny, immature little boy. he was my best friend. i loved him more than life. but once again, it was never enough. nothing i ever do will be enough for him. hell, nothing i do for anyone will ever be enough. but why.
it's always why. why this? why that? why can't i grow? why don't my friends like me? why does school exist? why does a come first in the alphabet? why is my dad so rude? why is life even a thing?
questioning life has to be the most scary 'why' of all. why was life created? why did Hod create life and not something else? why was life created just for it to be ruined? why can't God overtake the devil? why does death even exist if life was created for us to be alive?
i can't wrap my head around any of it. everything that lives or doesn't on this earth is so extraordinary that it makes me insane. i just physically don't know how do deal with anything on this earth in the way God intended for us to.
was i even meant to be on this earth? that's the one question that won't leave my head. i live being alive don't get me wrong, but just why me over someone else? it's another why, but like genuinely, why?
this is the constant thought process i go through every day since jackson did what he did. it's so much but i can just push it aside with medicine, right? i mean, 40mg of fluoxetine has to help with something.
~~
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
fuck face. jaylee i cannot express how badly i feel about the shit i've done to you. you're the most pure soul i've ever met and the shit i did to you was so shitty. i don't even know how i can call myself a child of God with how much pain and suffering i've probably caused you. you don't deserve any of that because all you've ever done for me was be there for me even when we weren't in contact and i completely took advantage of you and your kindness. i talked shit on you just to try and convince myself i was over you but in all reality it was you and it always will be. not gracelyn or any of her shitty friends. you, jay. i never deserved any of the love you gave me, yet i still threw all of it anyway. you're my perfect girl and i can't function without you jaylee. i'm losing my mind and i can't go to bed at night not knowing whether or not you're okay. i never responded to your texts so im not expecting one now, but please my pretty girl give me one last, underserving chance. i love you to the moon and to mars my sweet girl. read 8:39
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
all my oxygen was gone. i literally couldn't figure out how to breathe. my heart felt like it was going to burst. i dropped to the floor, hyperventilating to the point of no return. nobody was home and snickers was in the backyard. i was all alone.
"jaylee oh my god!" was all i heard before i passed out screaming.
skye<3
holy lord i've never written a chapter quicker than this. it's shorter than normal but still.
i'm gonna start writing chapter 11 tomorrow. i hope this wasn't too angsty for you guys. i would like suggestions a lot so leave those here ———————>
