Endlessly

4

I opened the door to the house, still letting the events sink in. My girlfriend came back to help me forget her. It's really insane. The whole thing is insane. I don't know. I think I'm

"Where have you been?"

"Oh, ma..", I turned around to the living room, walk towards her and kissed her in the cheek. She looks really pissed. Shit. I don't want to explain myself again.

"Saan ka galing?"

I search the house with my eyes, avoiding her question. "Where's dad and maddie?"

"Just answer the goddamn question!" She stood up and grabbed my arm.

"Look I'm sorry ma.."

"You just got back Nick! You just got back here and for what, should I even ask?! You came back to your treehouse again.." I looked at her eyes filled with tears. "Pumayag akong lumayo ka sa amin ng papa mo, para kalimutan si Jane. Pero para bumalik ka just to see that house there para lang maalala ulit siya at hindi para samin.. hindi ko na kayang tanggapin."

I can't help but to cry seeing my mom crying and hurting because of me. Tears roll down my cheeks, continuosly.

"Say something! Don't just stand there. Are you even listening? I'm tired of us always being like this when it comes to that girl. She's long dead but still has some kind of control over you. I'm tired of trying to win you over, I'm tired--"

"I'm trying!!!" I can't contain my emotions anymore so I blurted out. "Don't you see how hard I'm trying here? I'm also tired of disappointing you, ma." I let myself fall and sit down heavily on the sofa and bury my face in my hands.

I can tell that she calmed down a bit by my sudden reasoning but I can still hear her sobbing. It breaks my heart so much.

"I don't think we should talk about this now.." I speak in apathy.

She sighed heavily and muttered,"Right."

I went up to the guest room.

One day. I stayed for one day and still managed to ruin it all.

I can't tell mom about me meeting Jane in the tree house and her helping me out to finally forget or even showing up in my bed.

I pick up my bag since I haven't had the chance to unpack my things. I left a letter in the kitchen table since mom went up to her room too and dad and maddie were still out.

"Dear Mom,

I'm so sorry but I think I need more time. More space. I can't risk not hurting myself by going back to 'the place' while hurting dad and maddie, and your feelings. Especially you mom. Hindi pa sapat ang isang taon at walong buwan.

Patawarin nyo ko kung naiparamdam kong ibinigay ko lahat-lahat ng pagmamahal kay Jane. Pero hindi yun totoo. Mahal ko kayo. Kaya nga sinusubukan kong bumalik sa dati ang lahat.

Give me more time. I think this is the most right thing to do for now. I promise when I come back, I'll be worth the son you deserve. I love you.

Nick"

Pumasok na ko sa loob ng kotse. Matatagalan ulit bago ako bumalik.

I started the engine and hoped that when I get back to Manila, Jane will come with me again. In my rearview mirror, the house and the hill is getting smaller and smaller as I drive my way back to Manila.