Endlessly

5

Sidney is sitting beside me in our office's couch, it's breaktime. And I just finished filling her in of everything that happened back at Tagaytay except of course about Jane. The last thing I need now is my bestfriend thinking that I'm crazy and had completely lost my mind.

Sidney Santos if you're asking? She's my other bestfriend here at work. Sure Jane was my bestfriend, but she's also my girlfriend and Sid here is my bestfriend and well... she's a friend. She knew Jane and they talked a few times and gave each other nods when they bump in some places. She's also pretty, petite, wide-eyed and her hair really do smell good, NOT that I spend my time sniffing her. I talk to her and she talks to me about our lives. She's living by herself now. Her parents died in an accident few years ago. We're practically a family now. I am like her family now actually. So yeah, after all that has happened, she's my "go-to-girl" and I am her "go-to-guy" and I really appreciate her concern about everything.

"Well, you can't blame your mother, Nick. She's a mother. And duh, she's just being a mother."

"I know. I get that. Pero why is it so hard for her to understand that my love for Jane and my love for them is entirely different."

"Look I know how you were-are depressed about loosing Jane. She's got everything. She's pretty, smart, talented, kind and all. It's hard to find someone like her in this world anymore but it's harder to loose what's left in this life for you. Always remember that." She said confidently. I knew she suffered loss too in her life. That's why I can't blame her. She know how it felt to be left. Sid is very strong and smart, she always know what to say. Since I lost Jane, it's as if she knew every word that can calm my troubled soul.

"So what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know, Sid. I think I need a lot of time to think."

"Well, you had a year and months. How many more do you need? Is that all you really need?", finishing her coffee.

"What does that mean?" I looked at her, really waiting for the answer.

"What I mean is," She stood up before resuming her little advice.

"start putting your thoughts into actions. Figure out what you really need." She pat my shoulder and walk back towards her desk.

Her words echoed in my mind. In the drive, in the shower, in my bed. She has a point. I'm so tired but I couldn't sleep. I sit in my bed and drop my face in my hands. Start putting my thoughts into actions. Figure out what I really need. But how? All these time I'm planning to start in a fresh page but I just can't do it. I lack something but I don't know what it is.

"How about going on a date?"

I swear my heart jumped out of my chest as soon as I heard Jane. She's here again, standing near my lamp in my condo.

"How about you stop startling me like that? Seriously you'll soon make my heart stop and you'll see me like you." I said, rubbing my hand in my chest, my eyes open wide.

"I'm sorry. Haha. It's just.. you should see the look on your face.", She laughed.

She laughed. She laughed?

"You're laughing?''

"What? I'm not allowed to laugh anymore?", she said smiling wide.

"But you said .."

"You know, I really can't explain that too. Maybe I don't have feelings for people anymore but I still do obviously have a sense of humor and this feelings seems to just work for myself, blah,blah,blah.. so what do you think?"

"What do I think about what?" I ask really puzzled.

"About going on a date. I mean, it's past a year and you have been all alone for the last few months.."

Is she asking me out. Oh my.

Why do I feel so nervous. I shouldn't be in the first place. I was her boyfriend before she died.. and what am I thinking, I still am. I need to think fast. I need a smart answer to a girl asking me out. A dead girlfriend asking me out. But what I only managed to answer before my phone rang was..

"I--I'll think about it."

What a brilliant respond. Right.