One Step At A Time - A Dawsey Story

Chapter 9 - "His voice was cold as ice and it hit me right in the heart"

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

I saw the fear in Casey's eyes as he came towards me. "Gabby, what is it?" He kneeled down in front of me and carefully touched my knee.
The tears kept making their way out of my eyes and I couldn't stop them. "I - I'm so sorry, Matt!", I sobbed, not sure if I was sorry for crying of for what I was about to tell him. Both, I think. "I'm so sorry."
Casey grabbed my head and rested it on his chest. I concentrated on his heartbeat, and even though it was going fast, it helped me co calm down after a while.

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

My hands were shaking as I sat back up and blinked a few times.
"What happened?", Matt asked again, softly wiping the tears off my cheeks.
I can't, I thought by myself, I can't do this. I'm not ready. This is going to change everything.
Come on. He has to know.
"Matt, I was pregnant."
All of a sudden, his eyes lit up. But within the second he realized I had spoken in the past, this spark disappeared again and every shade of color escaped from his face.
He couldn't bring a single word out, but it was written in his eyes.
When? How?
"You were pregnant and you didn't tell me?" His voice was cold as ice and it hit me right in the heart. "How could you-"
"Casey-", I tried to explain, but he wouldn't let me finish.

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

"How could you not tell me?!" The anger and the pain in his voice hurt me more than anything else had ever since I lost the baby.
"Matt. Matt, I didn't-"
"Were you even thinking about me? Did you think about me, only for one second, when you-"
"I didn't know!", I screamed, the tears burning in my eyes like acid. "I didn't know I was pregnant until the doctor in the hospital told me I was having a miscarriage! If I had known... If I had known I would never have gone into that building!"
"You mean...?"

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah, I still believe

"It was that day", I answered his unfinished question, "the day that house blew up and Mills died. I couldn't tell you. You... you wanted a family so bad. How - how was I supposed to tell you that I had lost our baby? How should I have told you that I killed our child?!"
"Gabby", Matt finally said and took my face into his hands, "you did not kill our baby. You didn't kill anyone, okay? This is not your fault."
Again the tears started rolling down my cheeks. „I thought... I thought I'd bear it, so you don't have to."

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

He wrapped his arms around me and held me in a tight embrace. "I wish you would have told me. We could have gone through this together. You didn't have to do this alone."
"I'm sorry", I said again.
"Don't be", Casey whispered into my hair. "Just promise me one thing."
"What would that be?"
"Whatever you think you have to do on your on, you don't." He turned his head to look into my eyes. "You will never have to do anything by yourself again, okay? Promise me you will let me be by your side, whatever it is that you're facing."
I nodded my head Yes and placed my mouth on his. "Okay. I promise."
He kissed me back and then quietly said: "We will have a family one day. I know that for sure."