One Step At A Time - A Dawsey Story

Chapter 5 - "I can't believe he's gone."

Hello everyone 😘 I promised you an update, so here it is! Sorry to keep you waiting!
Be aware that this part will be quite emotional, I may or may not have cried while writing 🙈
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If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Today we say Goodbye to our good friend...
I felt the tears burning hot on my cheeks.
I looked around. Most of our team was still in hospital, so they couldn't attend the funeral.
It was just me, Shay, Severide and Chief Boden.
It made me feel like all of this was even more tragic. He had been our friend for so many years. He deserved so much better.

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

8 days earlier

I was staring at the ceiling of the hospital room, one hand placed on my completely flat stomach. I felt weird missing something I hadn't even known existed, but now I couldn't stop thinking about what it would have been like being pregnant.
Having a baby.
Suddenly it knocked on the door. I didn't answer but the door opened anyway.
It was Shay.

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time

"Hey", she said and sat down at the end of my bed. "How are you holdin' up?"
I shrugged my shoulders and forced my mouth to a very weak, not convincing smile, but I didn't answer anything. I was afraid I might break out in tears again.
"Did Kelly talk to you?"
I nodded.
"It's so horrible", Shay's voice broke and changed into a sob. „I can't believe... I can't believe he's gone!"
I looked up. What did she just say? "W-What?" Fear spread out in my chest and took my breath away. "Shay, what are you talking about?"

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the loving of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

Shay wiped her sleeve over her face. "I thought you talked to Severide?"
"I did", I answered, still scared of what this was leading to, "he told me Herrmann and Cruz were in surgery and that Casey was gonna be fine. What happened, Leslie?"
She took a deep breath and looked at me with big, sad eyes. "Mills is dead."
For a moment, the time stood still and I was locked in the sound of those three words.
I didn't realize how I started to cry again and how Shay pulled me into a hug. I also forgot about the slight pain I still felt in my abdomen.
Shay and I cried together for what felt like forever. But at some point it got too much.

There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best suit and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

I broke my own promise, but I had to get it off my chest, I had to say it.
I let go of Leslie and waited until her eyes found mine. Then I hesitatingly began: "I actually wasn't going to tell you, but I can't do this on my own, so I need you to be my friend and to be there for me, okay?" Shay nodded. "And you can't tell Casey." She swallowed but nodded again and I did my best to fight down the teaers. Then I continued: „When we went into that building today... I was pregnant."

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening

Her chin dropped and I saw the shock in her face, but she let me finish. "I didn't know, until... the doctor told me I was having a miscarriage. It was only three or four weeks, but... I was pregnant and I lost it." The sentence ended in a sob and once again Shay pulled me in her arms.
"Oh God", she quietly whispered into my hair, "God, I'm so sorry Gabby."
"I lost my baby", I choked out, and I didn't know how I was supposed to handle all of this.

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Today

"Today we say Goodbye to our good friend, Peter Mills." The priest let his eyes wander over all the guests who came to say their final farewell to Mills.
The few people from firehouse 51. Antonio, Erin Lindsay, Jay Halstead and the rest of the 21st district. Old friends from his school days and from his time in the academy. His family. Even some of the people he had saved on the job.
Even though not many of his co-workers came, the crowd was still big.
Shay was sitting on my left, holding my hand. Next to her Severide, holding her other hand. His left arm was wrapped around Erin Lindsay's waist and she rested her head on his shoulder.

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I've had just enough time
So put on your best suit
And I'll wear my pearls

I wasn't listening to the priests words. I didn't need to hear every unimportant little detail about Mills' life out of the mouth of a complete stranger.
I had known Peter Mills as the good friend he had been.
A man with the most loyal heart I had ever seen.
A man who died doing what he loved the most.
All I wanted was for someone to tell me the answer to an impossible question:
Why was life so incredibly unfair?
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Note: I did NOT write this because I hate Mills, oh no, in fact he is my favorite! I wrote this after the season 2 finale, and back at that time I really thought it would be him who was going to die! Please don't be mad!