I sat by the lake. I watch it, slowly change and turn. Memories come burning through my head. I can't quite escape them. I guess this is the piece of believing I could do it, that I was good enough. I deserve the situation I'm in, I understand I'll always walk as a ghost amongst man now. That I created this. I am no victim. Everyday I go hungry is another great day, everyday that I suffer alone is good too. It feels like everyday is the same. On repeat endlessly.
Why did I choose this? Why didn't I simply leave faster I'm gonna be homeless here soon. Very soon. I can feel it. I know it. Money will disappear from me, my data will. My phone number will. The end is near. It's odd writing these things because I deserve this. I created this. It's merely how it is for me. Just a joke. Brutal and overhead. Just a joke.
I just feel depressed and suicidal.
I can never have friends, I will never have another. It feels as if it's meaningless overall.
Why did I choose this? Why was I such a piece of shit, why did I stop? To be better? Yes to be better. To have everyone be able to look at me and just enjoy me being around, not speaking not stressed out. Just to be happy. This is the brutal world. This is the sad world I live in one I made.
I should State this in case things I'm not an incel, I'm 5'10 fit and attractive. I'm actually a super funny guy too, very kind also. Which is kinda of fucked up because I developed these traits later on. Genuinely just fucked man. Every single day is just fucked now.
I choose to be better knowing it'll only make things better. :( it is a long brutal walk.
