I don't know anymore. It's so strange to return home and see that. This feeling of knowing if I disappeared it wouldn't change a thing. Yet I live anyways for what reason? A grand delusional thought? A hope of a brick red house? Christmas lights in my home? Why? Is it even worth It to boo hoo? I don't know anymore. I couldn't tell you. Life unchanging for me, like a lake on Titan. Completely unchanging. I live completely alone. I hope for a text from you, yet that's dying slowly. You'll find another. I keep thinking back to my younger self. I can't shake the thought of him. Of me. Regret, now what remains of me. TV shows? Why does high-school and family plots make me feel so cold and alone. Words rush thought my head. One less time. At the end I did good but just like a dam, it's the small cracks. I can't seem to move forward. I just can't. A feeling of numbness. Understanding life is gonna be just like this. I was being disgusting realizing it. Which is toxic. I can't seem to shake this feeling. Is this really the life I choose. For what? Short term pleasure? Am I doomed? Often not I think about how everyone has a family. Not me, friends? Not me, it's not even possible now. I've done too much evil. Now I sit here. I rot. I became what I most hated. The worst part about this, and I really do mean worse. I made you not care. I made it to where when it's a bad day for me, I have no one. When it's a good day. I have no one. When I make more money and I learn a new skill. It doesn't matter. I created a world to where it doesn't matter. I thought about that. It keeps rushing through my head. I don't know you anymore. You've changed. This isn't 2021, this is a time where you merely text back to text back. A world where when I look outside I see my worst fear. I see a world that boy in that closet felt, one he would fight against. I find myself surrounded by this world. I sometimes in my nightmares. See him, I see him. I see it. I see his dream collapsed and as I do. I feel as if I am truly lost. I see the endless tides crash against me. Is this life? One where I wake up clock in and on my days off. I cry? I used to be able to see the stars but now I can't. I look out to that night sky, and I genuinely can't see them. Is this life? One where when I see the moon. I can't see it fully? I don't even understand this life anymore. I wish I could. I really do.
